The Quintessential College Guide for the Incoming Freshman Pt. 2: Freshman Dorm Life

You're an 18 year old High School senior and you're anxious about living with someone else because you're an anti-social and maliciously violent sociopath? Well then you're probably screwed, and your roommate along with you.

However, for all the normal people out there (normal meaning god knows what), here is your guide to one one the more harrowing and important aspects of Freshman year, dorm living.

PART 1: False Stereotypes

Unless you are some sort of uptight prick with no personality, these cookie cutter images that you've been made to believe are the pillars of the college experience will not ring true:

"I installed a shitload of bookcases and bulletin boards in my room because I'm a learned intellectual with excellent organizational skills!!"

"If everything in my room isn't indicative of the school that I am currently attending I will be judged for my lack of collegiate pride!"

"I will be a member of a professional, clean, and diverse community!"

" I have to cover every square inch of my walls with intellectually stimulating symbols of culture that typify my youthful obsession with adventurism and rejection of mainstream icons"

Well SHIT! If you don't fit within one of these moulds you'll probably be an outcast at school and thus the pariah of your dorm, right? WRONG.

PART 2: True Stereotypes

Some "All-In-One" Words to describe a Freshman college dorm: Zoo, Mess, Playground, Battlefield, Inner City Community Center, Communist Apartment Block, Social Experiment.

"Pregame in 207, 8 o'clock"

Social experiment is the major buzzword to describe a Freshman College Dorm. Why? Its the first time most of the kids in the dorm have lived without their parents hovering over them, so the effect of removing their parents from the equations on some of them is similar to what happens when you remove the cap off of a full bottle of coke that you were using as a soccer ball. Here are some characters you will typically meet in your average college dorm.

1. The computer nerd kid that never sleeps.

"Turn the lights off? Its only 4am, you pussy."

2. The kid who thinks every girl in the dorm wants to jump on him while hes showering. Spoiler alert: He never gets any!

"Was that an earthquake or did you just rock my world?"

3. The kids who blast techno and drink Smirnoff Ice until 3am every day of the week. Spoiler Alert #2: They probably won't be back sophomore year!

"Who drew on you? I think it was some kid from another dorm"

4. The crazy political kid, whether that be "Free Gaza" or "Glen Beck Rally".

Ya, Keep the tape on and we'll do whatever the f*ck you want.

Part 3: Own Your Shit, TOP FIVE

This is the last part, and the part where we will take a brief break from the attempts at humor to list out the absolute essential Top Five No-Nos of dorm living which must be followed at all costs.

5. Don't puke in the sink. Do not be that D-bag (and there always is one) who pukes in the damn sink. The sink is not a toilet. A toilet takes a golf ball sized object to clog it, but a sink requires only the slightest solid object (i.e. last nights dinner) to clog up. That means that when you puke in the sink on a Friday night and neither you nor the cleaning crew (that comes in on Monday morning) cleans it up, your stinky body stomach filth will fester in the sinks that everyone relies on all weekend, don't be that guy.

4. On a similar note, handle your booze or don't drink. I'm not saying that you can't get drunk or that you shouldn't drink, it is college after all, but don't drink so much that you're holding a floor meeting to tell about the crippling PTSD you acquired from "your first time" or puking off the side of your bed.

3. Cut down on the loud noises after 12. Some people are trying to sleep and you blasting Skrillex on your $2,000 speaker at 120 dB at 3 in the morning is enough to make sleeping beauty arise and beat your ass to death with your subwoofer.

2. Don't be a dick, especially not in the first few weeks of school. Remember those kids in High School who thought they were uber-popular but were in reality really disliked by everyone but were tolerated because they ran with "the cool crowd"?  Guess what, in college they're treated like the losers that everyone knows they are. Just as you wouldn't bring the Middle School attitude into High School, don't bring the High School attitude into College. Nobody will like a well-poisoner in a new environment.

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1. AT ALL COSTS: Stay away from the CRAZIES. Look back to Mr. Smoot's post for the levels of craziness for reference on this. Four crazy classes A,B,C,D : Stay away from all of them. Crazies will ruin your life, they will: cling, sabotage, annoy, destroy, misinterpret, damage, poison, undermine, manipulate, and creep you the F*** out. Crazies should be treated like Black Holes: although you can't really see them and don't understand them, all you know is that they are BAD NEWS IN A BAD WAY and must be AVOIDED AT ALL COSTS.

Full Circle!!

That'll be all girls, enjoy freshman year.

The Quintessential College Guide for the Incoming Freshman Pt. 1

Well hey there!

Don't you look like an up and coming college freshman!!! (Or...a Jehovah's Witness' door-to-door religious salesman)

I bet you're wondering...gee whiz, what can I expect to find in college?

Snazzy official college sweatshirts?!

Engaging and competent Professors with Master Degrees?!

What about awesome Parties?!

Well friendos, here at The Grog, we make it our life's mission to help give back to the community with our veteran insight and advice!  So for all you incoming and soon to be incoming froshies, here it is: The Grog's Quintessential College Guide for the Incoming Freshman.

We'll be covering such topics as: 

• Sleeping habits!
• Diet!
• Party Etiquette!
• Bathroom shinanagans!
• Academics! (Our personal favorite) 
• Stereotypes you may come across!

Now, we know what you're saying.  "Hey asshole, I already read college tips online at "US News" or "Time Magazine".....and if I wanted to know all that nitty gritty stuff, I could just as easily hit up one of CollegeHumor.com's articles right??"

Well that's where you're wrong friendo.

Here at The Grog, we're actually still at college.

We are giving you a live-feed of what to expect in the here and now...not the "oh, past experiances of me and my broskis 5 years ago before we all got boring as shit cubicle jobs!"

Are we exaggerating?  Maybe a little bit...but that certainly did make for a pretty good opener didn't it?

There's no easy way to go about doing this...so why don't we just jump right on into it?

The Quintessential College Guide for the Incoming Freshman

PART ONE: THE SUMMER BEFORE COLLEGE

We're assuming first of all that you're all responsible members of the social networking universe...and thus, you've been invited to your college's "Class of (insert year here)!" Facebook group (and if you're still on MySpace...then all hope is lost).

It is inevitable that you will go through a "friending" phase.

Step 1 of this process: Find a suitable profile picture.

I mean, GOD FORBID someone thinks you're a weirdo.  Also, let's try to make sure we're looking good in this image shall we?  Ladies, put on a cute smile and show some cleavage!  Men, let's get some sports work up in there..or maybe some senior portraits? Or maybe not giving a good Goddamn and leaving it the way it is? THE POSSIBILITIES ARE ENDLESS!!!!!!!! 

Step 2: Judge the shit out of everyone.

When it comes down to the pre-college summer, you'll find that shallow scrutiny and 5 second judgement calls of Facebook profile pictures will become natural instincts.  

Some of these judgement calls may be proven false later on in your college career, but others....well...your gut feelings were correct.

Because nothing says "I'm wholesome" quite like the Duck Face.

There are a couple of Facebook College Group stereotypes which, to the best of knowledge of the Authors of The Grog, have never been debunked.

In terms of things you will encounter:

• The Girl who friends everybody.
• The Guy who tries (and fails) to stir up excitement for school by posting a topic in the discussion board.
• The universal question "Hey I'm (fill in the blank) and I'm majoring in communications (which means..I have no f*cking clue what I want to do with my life)!!! What is everyone else doing???"
• The folks who try to find roommates on the group wall instead of getting randomly assigned with someone.
• Finally...just regular normal people that are asking legitimate questions.

Chances are, you'll run into a few if not all of these bullet points, however, Step 3 is the most crucial of steps to be taken in your pre-college summer.

Step 3: Assess and recognize when you are seeing an element of crazy.

It seems the universe has a sick sense of humor and will make sure that no matter what school you're at...there will always be a certain ratio of crazy.

How does one go about recognizing crazy?  Well shit...that's almost like asking how do you recognize an insurgent in Afghanistan....crazy does its best to blend in with the normal crowd.

But, since the Authors of the Grog are unapologetically un-PC, we're telling you it is okay to judge and go with your gut.

The second you start ignoring your feelings and giving people chances when CRAZY is staring directly at you from across the table...you've not only lost the battle, but you've also lost the war.

So how do you recognize crazy?

First of all, let's define exactly what we're talking about here.

If you're a male, congratulations! You cannot fall within the spectrum of "crazy" (OMFG we are so sexist).  Don't get us wrong ladies, Male students can still be incompetent tool asswipes that like to drink straight D****** (Censored because I just remembered the folks at home still read this), but they're usually not Drama Divas.

This is what we're getting at here; the best synonym to walk hand in hand with "crazy" is "drama".  It's somewhat hard to spot "drama" through the cyber-woodwork of the social networking world however.

People aren't usually willing to tell you (because they're perfect..didn't you know?) that they are narcissistic manipulative puppet masters who think the world is out to get them, and that every action of every other individual in the school usually revolves around their own life.

So what is the break down of "crazy"?

Well, there are 4 types of crazy that you need to watch out for.

Class A "Crazy":  Class A really isn't that big of a deal, this usually resonates within that certain someone who friends everybody in the Facebook group, but ends up being avoided by everyone on campus.  Class A offenders will usually lose the shadow judgement of weird by the beginning of Sophomore year.

Class B "Crazy":  You've been friended by Class B of "Crazy" and you've also met in person before school.  Sounds like a huzzah!  But wait.  She's being awfully friendly...almost so to a weird extent...but you've decided to go against your gut feelings.  Guys, this lady friendo will hook up with you in the 1st semester guaranteed, BUT WHILE sporting either a hefty dose of mono or currently having a boyfriend.  Ladies, your new found bestie will be friendly all throughout summer until she latches onto a "cool" or "popular" niche of people.  From then on you'll be ignored (including in public).

Class C "Crazy":  I'm not sure if you were aware of the memo they just sent out concerning college hook ups,  but Class C "Crazy" is commonly described as "clingy" or the "marriage-latcher".  As in, she'll latch on to you like a wet blanket of hell after a hook up.  Fortunately, none of the Authors of The Grog have made this mistake, but we've all agreed that just watching the marriage-latcher shit show is bad enough.  Obviously realizing the error in their ways, we've seen our friendos, and our friend's friendos try to wiggle on out of there...but to no avail.  Trying to escape the insecure clutches of the Class C level of "Crazy" is like trying to escape napalm while your pants are covered in gasoline.

Trying to comfort the Class C level of "Crazy" is mindboggling, and you'll eventually give up hope and move on with your life, while the marriage-latcher attempts to make her "lover" jealous by:

1. Flirting with (and later hooking up with) his friends.
2. Ignoring his texts or Facebook chats.
3. Making themselves unavailable.

Unfortunately for the marriage-latcher, these tactics are retarded, and the guy will be extremely thankful attention has been diverted from his presence and onto some other poor schmuck.  When the marriage latcher recognizes that her "lover" in question is not interested, be prepared for crying fits, anger and blatantly going up to the guy in question and having a yelling fest.

Class D "Crazy":  If you thought Class C sounded terrible, welcome to Class D of "Crazy".  This is the worst class of crazy you could ever come across..and if you do, we wish that God may have mercy on your soul (if you're atheist....well, you're pretty much fucked).  How could Class D possibly be worse than a Class C?  

Manipulation.

You see, Class D "Crazies" are by nature narcissists.  That means you're either with them, and thus manipulated (their "truth" is usually made up), or your against them, and thus wading through a pile of verbal shit.  

There's also a warped sense of reality with Class D "Crazies".  A simple conversation may be viewed as an accusatory argument, or a sexist bash.  Your actions revolve solely around their life because you are obsessed with them (but not them with you).  Your words will be twisted, or blatantly made up.  And God forbid you say anything contrary to what they want to hear, otherwise you are lying.

Some of us here at The Grog would like to pretend we haven't bumped into this level of "Crazy", but sadly, 4 poor souls on our editorial board have run across this plague of the damned.

So what's the point of this breakdown?  Well for all you ladies and gents who don't want to get caught up in "crazy" and "drama", these are some excellent warning signs to be aware of before your fun new 1st semester at school!!!

So great, you know what the definition of "crazy" is, but now what the hell do you do with it?  You're still on Facebook right?

Here at The Grog, we're firm believers in applying the test of the ages.

Look out for the "Crazy Eyes".

No...not quite like the iconic National Geographic Afghan girl image..

AHHHHH!!!! EVERYBODY GET OUT!!! GET THE FUCK OUT!!!

Secondly, try to be on the look out for the "Crazy Rhetoric".

GAH....just talking about crazy drama just makes us want to get the fuck out of here...so we'll say that this concludes Part 1 of the college guide.  

Things you can expect in the future Pt. 2:

• College Academics!
• Pricing!
• The Ratio of Ego-ridden D-Bag professors and kiss-ass students!
• The Freshman 15!
• Dorm Etiquette!
• Party Fouls!
• And much, much more.

So, until next time....

--Fin--