I see that a select few of you have crossed the threshold from adolescence to adulthood. So happy birthday to the newest slew of 21 year olds. Come, join Sir Smoot and myself in the oasis between the grunt work of college and maddening real world responsibilities.
How does it feel?
Let me guess, you want to blow all that birthday loot on some Captain? Perhaps you have a fancy to go hunting, for Grey Goose. Perhaps even three olives picking. Or maybe you would like to get better acquainted with Sam Adams, or whatever beer they have available to you at your local market. Or maybe you want to try your hand at the local bars without having to remember the information on your license.
THE POSSIBILITIES ARE ENDLESS!!!!!!
.......Okay has it been a week yet?
Call me Chrissy downer, yet my experience is not to just be paved over like some old dirt road. I've been 21 since last November, and I've made a few trips around the block to get some alcohol. Don't get me wrong, there is a big sense of relief in not having to worry about being carded. In fact, and this still happens to me, you WANT the bouncer, cashier, or whomever to card you. To see them try to find a flaw in your ID and watch the fleeting look of defeat when they hand you your license back and give your your prize is great. That feeling lasts longer than a week.
The rest of it, the wanting to buy out the liquor store and go get shmammered every night just because you can dies down right about the time you see zero dollars in your wallet.
Like every other aspect of life, drinking costs money. Also, as Mr. Smoot mentioned in the first installment of this Guide, going out all the time gets to be crazy expensive. Between the drinks to pregame, potential cover charges at bars, and whatever drink you end up buying for your desired target of the night, your bank account will grow to hate you.
Well, just in case you guys didn't think about those kind of things, don't worry, that is what we at The Grog are for.
Yes turning 21 has a certain rush to it. Yes the ocean of alcohol at your disposal is quite enticing. However, there are some pretty noteworthy parts about turning 21 that you learn the hard way.
So without further ado, here are the 5 biggest things that nobody tells you about turning 21.
NUMBER 5:
YOU ARE GOING TO LEARN TO LIKE BEER ONE WAY OR ANOTHER
For those of you crazy kids that "only drink liquor" I apologize in advance for not having so much money that I use 2 dollar bills to wipe before I flush.
Don't get me wrong, liquor is great when you want to feel fancy. Yet the only one who will grow to hate liquor more than your liver is your bank account.
Your new found appreciation for beer will grow because of mathematics.
Let us take a 750 Milliliter of Grey Goose. There are about 27 ounces of alcohol, and you are shopping in a fairly populated area. Odds are the final price, plus tax, is going to come out to around 24-25 bucks. All of this is not including the chasers you will end up buying if you either
A: Have people who can't face an entire bottle straight
or
B: Want to actually be able to walk straight after you are done pregaming.
Meanwhile there are 12 ounces to each beer can. So multiply 12 ounces by 30 beers and you get yourself a whopping 360 ounces of alcohol for maybe two extra dollars.
And who said math was a useless subject? They clearly are not yet of age.
Those who are crazy into liquor either learn to like beer because of its affordability or don't drink. Beer drinkers blow 60 bucks on two 30 racks and realize on Wednesday 'Oh, wait, we drank last night and we still have plenty to just chill with, nice.'
All of this is without factoring bar prices of both. Sure beer is 6 bucks a glass, but shots are about four bucks for one shot! By the time you get half way towards where you want to be, you will have blown through your birthday money. Unless of course you have a job that pays so well that you can do this.
The rest of us will learn to like beer because of its affordability and a few other reasons coming up on this list.
NUMBER 4:
BEING ASKED TO BUY ALCOHOL FOR ACQUAINTANCES UNDER 21 GETS EXTREMELY ANNOYING VERY QUICKLY.
"Yay, we found another one"
I would like to take a moment to apologize to anyone who I may have pestered for the nectar of the Gods while underage. Now I see why all of those 'sure I'll buy for you' would be accompanied by either a roll of the eyes or a short sigh afterwards.
When Facebook tells everyone of your "friends" that you just crossed into the plateau of exceptional human beings, you will get a great deal of birthday wishes from alcohol leeches.
You will suddenly get a lot more text messages from people who you don't often hang out with asking if you are doing anything that night. You will learn quite quickly that those invitations from people who you don't normally hang with are purely out of selfish gain.
Let me put it more bluntly: They don't want to hang out with you, they want you to buy them alcohol and nothing more.
It is quite possible that they will catch you in your jubilant just-turned-21 state of mind and you agree to buy for them. Sure they will even let you party with them and praise you for "coming up clutch" or "providing like a bro" or even "being a boss." Hell, they will even give you money to buy alcohol of their choice before drinking most of it and leaving you mostly sober.
Oh and God forbid that you make a mistake and get the wrong stuff. You may be stunned at how quickly your new "friends" are suddenly nowhere to be found next weekend. YOU doing THEM a favor suddenly turns into "No bro, you messed up, you got the wrong stuff, now return this one and get the stuff we asked for."
Know what I say to those particular individuals: Go buy it yourself. Oh wait, you can't yet. Cheer up, only eight more months until you turn 21: leech.
Plus the only thing that RA's will tear you a new one for more than being blackout drunk is providing for minors. Don't believe me? Good luck trying to keep your housing deposit after they find out you bought a party full of 19 year old residents a handle of Bacardi.
Everything suddenly becomes an issue of money and when philosophy majors try to be accountants, our old friend drama rears its hideous head.
This goes back to knowing your friends from your acquaintances. Just be sure that if you are going to buy for people, make sure that they are your real friends and not some group of leeches that only care that your birthday came before this date in 1991.
Although unlike crazies, they are much, much, easier to spot.
NUMBER 3: YOUR TOLERANCE/DESIRE TO GET SHWASTED SUDDENLY BEGINS TO PLUMMET A FEW WEEKS AFTER YOUR MOST GLORIOUS BIRTHDAY
Turning 21 is like reaching an Oasis in the desert. It is a crisp, refreshing jolt that brings that little extra spice back into your life.
Yet life is like a conveyor belt that you are super-glued to. Then you feel your heart sink into your stomach as you are helplessly dragged out of the oasis; kicking and screaming the entire way out.
The first signs come after a couple weeks pass. You try to drink like you did on your birthday and you just can't match it. You start to become more concerned with having enough energy to get up for work in the morning, or wanting to work out, or even just to chill.
Shortly after you turn 21, drinking to get drunk starts to fall down a few spots on the list of important things in your life. You begin to, wait for it, realize that there is more to life than just getting hammered!
...And when that happens all of the tolerance that you spent the last two or three years in college building up crumbles like a house of cards.
You will come to pass the nectar that once beckoned to you like a siren and just ignore its song. The prospects of casually drinking or chill drinking become far more enticing than spending north of 40 bucks on a Saturday night trying (unsuccessfully most likely) to get tail or smacked at a bar. So liquor/party money becomes beer/chill sesh money. And many of us will grow to accept that transformation, I know I have.
Now you could try to delay the inevitable for a while longer. You could keep your tolerance up while bringing the amount of money in your wallet down to nothing. Perhaps you can even still drink like a champ, being able to down an entire handle after passing the 21 plateau is going to land you on that road to AA.
The cruelest trick the devil played may have been convincing the world that he wasn't there, but robbing your tolerance and desire to get shmammered right after the law says you can whenever has to be a close second.
NUMBER 2:
YOUR LIFE DOES NOT CHANGE ALL THAT MUCH
Even with an entire ocean of alcohol available at your fingertips, you ultimately will not be able to do as much of it as you might like.
As much as we would all like it to, turning 21 does not exempt you from the following.....
- School work
- Whatever job you have.
- Mondays
- Having to deal with people you do not like
- Having to wait for the next episode of a favorite tv show. Or waiting for the next release of a new videogame.
- ANY OF THE PARTS OF LIFE THAT SUCK
I'm going to stop here. I think everyone gets the point.
AND THE NUMBER 1 THING NOBODY TELLS YOU ABOUT TURNING 21:
JUST BECAUSE YOU TURNED 21 DOES NOT MEAN THAT YOUR UNDERAGE FRIENDS CAN GET INTO BARS AND CLUBS WITH YOU.
The world of over 21 opens up to you once your birthday crosses that magical dividing line. Yet there is only one problem, some of your friends are still on the wrong side of that line.
Crap.
Sadly the real 21 and up world is not as lenient regarding underage drinking as college is. At college the worst that an underage drinker, who doesn't damage property or something, will get is asked to leave the campus. In the real world, the best case scenario is that they take away the 20 year old's fake ID.
Why is this worse than the life point you ask? Because the obvious division in age creates a fork in the road that has the potential to end friendships.
Once a person turns 21, they may want to get intoxicated in the world of restaurant drinking, certain clubs, bars, and CVS mini kegs; and hanging out with you could take a back seat to this new world of alcohol.
The new 21 will quickly realize that not everyone can enjoy this new world of opportunity and do one of two things....
Either A: Step back from the realm of possibilities in front of them and be perfectly happy drinking in a dorm/house in the good company of their friends. They will wait with you until you join the threshold and welcome you with open bottles.
or B: Leave you behind in order to hit up the clubs, bars, and CVS mini kegs.
A person turning 21 is a good litmus test for how good of a friend they are. If they leave you in the dust to go party it up, then that is the kind of person you don't want to associate with.
If they are a real friend, they will wait until their underage friends all cross over.
I was happy to see Mr. Smoot join the club, yet I will not forget that there are still eight more 21st birthdays that I have to celebrate with my friends. If that means waiting until next year before we can all go bar hopping as an awesome group, so be it.
Turning 21 is quite fun. Alcohol will become as regular to you as breakfast in the morning, and as acceptable to partake in as G rated television.
Just know that these are the five things that people don't tell you when the clock ticks midnight, and your 21st birthday has arrived.
These five points, especially the life one, are more guidelines than rules you have to follow. Still, if even one of you looks back and thinks 'good to know this about being 21' than I did my job.
Happy birthday to the newest members of the 21 club, and enjoy the hell out of your celebrations.
