The Smootmeister is back (from what other than procrastination? Use your imagination).
He's also 21.
So....if you remember a time way back when; We did a Quintessential Guide for incoming freshmen.
Well.
This isn't for them.
This is for you winners out there that are part of the awkward summer birthday group.
Chances are you may be 21 way ahead of the crowd of other people in your grade.
This is for you.
Hopefully this makeshift guide will help to keep your wallet intact, your ass out of the grass, and your rectum out of the reach of your Cuban cellmate (Which is an easy fix. Just don't drink and drive).
This is more of a random thought process post than one where I give you the deets on how to make drinks like the "Bin Laden" (although if you wanted to know, its two shots and a splash of seawater).
Instead you'll be learning nuggets of truth like:
- Bars are fun!
- But they destroy your bank account!
Or,
- You can find ridiculous alcohol-items in CVS and buy them!
Like this.
Friendos, if you've just turned 21, you're going to feel the irresistible pull towards the cultural rite of drinking in excess and getting completely blitzed on your birthday night.
Which may result in great group photos like this one.
(And yes....that's an actual photo from my phone. I want to extend a shout out to my right index finger)
You will, however, find out soon after your birthday that this isn't sustainable. One of the first thoughts that may cross your mind after going to a Bar a week after your birthday may be "Holy shit....I can see how this stuff ruins people's lives" after ordering a single beer that costs $6 or a $4 shot.
Yeah. Bars are fun guys. But they blow a hole through your wallet faster than a terrorist can utter "Oh Shit" when the 72-virgins Drone Club comes rolling around.
Sure, you could take the college route and buy 4 handles for the weekend; but let's get real, unless you're going to a beach party on the Cape with an attendance of 30+ people besides yourself, chances are you're an alcoholic.
Besides the fact that Bars can create situations where you wake up wondering where the hell $60 in birthday money went (to later realize that you tipped the bartender $20 for shits and giggles); the possibilities for prankish shenanigans is much higher at a bar and not at a house party if you're a betting man (or woman).
What do I mean here?
Bar-Bets.
This can focus on a wide arrangement of activities, the best being made-up occupations and background stories. Proving to your friendos that you do, indeed, have the balls to tell the bartender and other bar-goers that you're an Ancient Astronaut Historian or a survivor of unwanted Dolphin penetration can lead to some pretty hilarious scenarios for those in on the joke (granted that you sell your story to the audience).
Some Basic Guidelines
You should know all of these by now, but we'll reiterate them for you in case you're a blithering idiot.
If you drink and drive, you're a douchenozzle and deserve to have your license suspended or to be thrown in jail.
Always, even if it means that you may have to step up and do it yourself, have a designated driver. You'll find most bars will give you a couple of free sodas if you highlight the fact that you're the DD. If you pull the short straw and decide to cry and give somebody the sob story "I don't want to drive...I've had a really tough week, I'm going to have just one or two....I'll be fine, I swear..."---You're an asshole.
Secondly, if you're the one drinking---don't stiff your DD. If the DD says its time to go, but you're too busy entertaining the idea of taking the 28 year old who's hitting on you seriously (thanks to the --insert drink here-- you've been having), you're being "that guy." The DD is extending a courtesy towards you and "I'll find my way home" or "I'm going to her place" is not an option, especially if your parents know who your DD is and will skin them alive if you don't come home with them.
I'd like to think that the majority of you veterans of the two-decade old living experience would have learned these lessons by now----but life has taught me so far to leave room to get surprised (because some people are morons).
And being a drunk moron while driving a car can result in an unforgiving minute. (Source)
There's nothing wrong with having fun, but be safe, drink in moderation, and don't stiff your DD.
As for your safe bar-shenanigans, remember:
(Source)
--Done--
