So far, if you've been paying attention, you've learned about: staying away from Crazies, the essentials of Dorm life, and college academics.
Now its time for another important lesson in The Grog's Quintessential College Guide for the Incoming Freshman: The People You'll Run Into.
Who will you bump into in class? Your dorm? Parties (hypothetically of course)? Whats the difference between friends and "friends"?
Once again, you've come to the right place.
First off, its probably best that we establish that College is not like Highschool. Pt. 2 of the guide addressed this a little bit; but you're not going to have to worry about a social-niche hierarchy.
Don't get us wrong, there are still Jocks and Nerds, Prepsters and D-Bags, Smartasses and Kiss-asses.
And my personal favorite: Hipsters
The difference is they'll all be in their own singular niches and will (generally) leave each other alone.
The only hierarchy of college that any incoming freshmen needs to worry about is your grade.
Frosh-guys, this one is directly stated towards you. We don't mean to crush dreams here, but unless you're on a sports team (and even then), the only part of your 1st semester of frosh year that will end up looking like Spike TV's "Blue Mountain State", is that you'll be forcibly employing Moran's tactic of the "trickle-down".
That and borderline homoerotic hazing
On the flip side of the coin, frosh ladies should be prepared for a lot of attention, free drinks and party invitations.
Frosh-gentleman, you'll soon find that you are no longer the top dogs that you were in Highschool. Frosh-ladies want a "mature" man and you just don't fit the bill.
Even if "mature" looks like this
Or this
Or maybe even this
What?? Did you just say they all look like D-Bags?? "Ugh, OMFG, you don't get it, he's olderrrrr...I need a mature man."
FACT: You will run into this. This isn't particularly something that's bothered any of the Author's of The Grog in particular, but it is something that every frosh guy has run into.
ADVICE: There are plenty of fish in the sea gentlemen, and this is not a big deal. 1st semester is when shy inhibitions are tied to cement blocks, thrown out of the window, and finally lit on fire by one's inner-wild. Chances are your once prospective lady friendo, ex-lady friendo, or maybe even lady friendo that was out of your league anyway (sorry gents..being realistic here) will realize that within the college party spectrum "older maturity" walks hand in hand with "being used" (zing!). Things will generally cool down by 2nd semester.
Well now that that's been covered (much to the anger of uber-sensitive feminists), what else is there?
Oh right, some of you are nerds and you're worried about earlier in the post where I stated there are still Jocks.
I can't calculate on what my next step should be here...
As stated earlier, RELAX...the best thing about college is that there are an infinite amount of niches, that you don't have to be near if you don't want to be. Also, as Dom stated earlier, assholes are generally disliked across the board. Any frosh coming into college with the attitude that he already runs shit will quickly be put down (the exception being if his dad is the Dean of the Business School ((My Dad will sue your dad asshole!!!))).
We don't have to go over the various niches, because as I've been stating before, they really don't play a part in your college experience.
HOWEVER
There are individual stereotypes that you will more than likely run into during your frosh year at college.
Academics was our most recent post, so we'll start there.
FACT: You will run into both ego-crazed Professors and kiss-ass students.
HOW DO I TELL?:
- Your professor will assign the book that they wrote themselves as part of the class curriculum.
- They are incredibly opinionated and become inflamed during simple class discussions over certain topics.
- They want to be addressed as "Dr." instead of Professor. They are not a Doctor in the field of medicine.
- They'll apply theories through ridiculous stretches on recent news topics in class discussions. Ex) It is "social class discrimination" that a local news paper reported a story with the terminology "Home Invasion in Cheshire" for a crime committed in a wealthy suburb in Connecticut, versus reporting a drug deal execution in a poorer neighborhood as "Massacre in Mattapan". I'm not sure about you, but it seems more likely to me that instead of utilizing some subconscious bigotry, the journalists covering the stories decided that "Home Invasion" was the best way to describe a...."Home Invasion", and that using another word starting with the letter "M" sounded a lot more catchy than "Drug Deal Gone Wrong In Mattapan" or "Mother, Boyfriend, and Child Executed in Mattaphan".
- Disagreement with the Professor on a particular comment will result in either a) A flat out rejection of your comment, and a reinforcement that they are correct. b) Surprise that anyone could disagree with someone that spent 5 years on a worthless project that anyone could have figured out through applying simple common sense. c) They will take the passive approach and start Bravo Foxtrot-ing you on correct answers on tests/quizzes. "I think you could've used a few more sentences under this answer..which is correct, but I'm still going to take off points because I don't like you and I have tenure."
- Kiss-ass students will ask if they can buy your professor's publication at the college bookstore or a local book-chain.
- Kiss-ass students will vehemently defend the professor's stance on bogus subjects...much like "Massacre at Mattapan" (I was told I was being, unintentionally or not, a narrow-minded bigot).
- Kiss-ass students will pull things out of their asses in an effort to sound smart, running parallel with what the professor just said.
ADVICE: Ignore this bullshit. Kiss-asses and Super-ego-Professors are literally two of the most annoying people you'll run into at college. Disagreeing is natural and should be encouraged to promote discussion in class. Just be prepared to be ganged up on by kiss-asses who hold your professor as a deity.
In terms of people you need to watch out for in a classroom, those are the big two. Chances are you will eventually bump into these characters in the classroom as well (listed below), but no advice is needed for your interactions with them.
1. The No-Shower: He/She will not show up on time on the first day of classes, and will rack up an incredible amount of absences. You wonder why they are going to college in the first place.
2. The Sleeper: First you'll notice the head-nods, then the shaking to try and wake up, and finally, sleep takes over and he/she is out like a light. This normally isn't a big deal. Unfortunately in this case it happens in every class. The Sleeper somehow manages to pull it off.
3. The Radical-Douche: He'll come into class with home-brewed coffee and be sporting the flip-flop/jean combo with v-neck shirt. Every single time he raises his hand you should be prepared for some incendiary opinionated comments. He likes to put the liberal in "Liberal Arts".
The image I wanted to get of a vegan-skinny Radical Leftist Student was unfortunately attacked by the Twinky and Deep-Fried Cor n-Dog Monster during the uploading process.
4. The Reactionary: Since I've messed with the Radical Left, we'll be fair here, you'll also run into these. Unfortunately, I've never encountered one in MA, and thus can not grant you an accurate depiction of what one would look like. Taking quotes from the Radical-Douche I suppose I'll just show you a photo of a "condescending, narrow-minded, violent, barbarian fascist."
Just wait until April, 1945 kiddies.
4. The "Regurgitator": This individual will have no original ideas, and will "regurgitate" what has been previously stated in newly formed sentences.
Delicious.
(Taken from "SteveCreek")
5. The Know-It-All: The know-it-all is a prick. He always needs to assert himself as the smartest individual in the room and is a condescending elitist.
That pretty much covers the characters of academics, but what about other aspects of college life?
As Dom's post illustrated, you'll be running into a bunch of characters in Dorm life. You won't have much say in where you live/who you live with during frosh year so be prepared for the petri-dish of social experimentation that is freshmen dorm living.
Which is where we get into friends vs. "friends".
FACT: You will start off your freshmen year with a friend group of convenience. Some of the "friends" in this group are your friends that you've met through orientation, clubs or sports (or ROTC), while others are friendly acquaintances that are friends of your friends. You may end up establishing a loyal friendship with all of the members of this group or you may not. College is a petri-dish and you will meet a slew of characters you never had to deal with in High School.
ADVICE: Do not get stuck in one group, especially if you have a personality issue with some of the people in your "friend group". College can get awfully click-y after the first few weeks, but don't be afraid of throwing yourself out there and finding people like you. Don't force yourself to hang out with people you don't like just because everyone is going to lunch and you want to feel like you have a group to go with. Keeping your annoyances over some people's quirks bottled up will get you nowhere and things will inevitably get worse. The last thing you want is to end a year where people are taking sides over a bogus topic that is a waste of everyone's time.
I can not stress enough that at the first sign of drama, ****GTFO****. You'll find in college that some people thrive on drama, and if you are not one of those people you need to GTFO of there. Dealing with poisonous manipulation on behalf of an incompetent and insecure girl or guy can end up getting dragged on throughout an entire semester where you will be caught up in slander, bogus accusations and in general: bullshit. This will tear your "friend group" apart. If you have the misfortune of bumping into this you will quickly find out who has got your back and who will flip-flop.
Biggest Advice I Can Give You: Life is short. You can be gone, today, tomorrow, next year, 60 years from now for utterly no reason or explanation at all. Do not waste your time with incompetence, drama, bullshit and more importantly fair-weathered friends. They will waste your time and make you second guess your own identity and the reasons you came to school in the first place. Hang out with the people that make you happy, not your "friend group" of convenience that's going to lunch in 30 minutes and you're invited.
I can not stress that enough. Then again, freshmen year is all about learning. You'll have a lot more liberty in the subsequent years after your freshman tour of duty.
Hopefully at some point we'll cover:
- Party-life (again...hypothetical party life...as I would know nothing about that as a responsible member of society, but other authors of The Grog who are 21 could talk about).
- Eating habits.
- Dealing with tough scenarios (just GTFO when crazies get involved....really...GTFO).
- Long-distance relationships.
- Sleep.
So, until next time--
--Fin--
