Daring to Answer the PED Question

A wise man seeks knowledge and can spend an entire life's worth of searching for answers, only to find a sea of questions still roaring before him. 

This is not the case with performance enhancing drugs. 

For everyone who read Bill Simmons' latest piece (which was a well done article in every facet of writing by the way, and it has already incited debate across the internet) there are plenty of answers to the PED question. While Simmons addresses plenty of examples of wrongdoing in sports, he only damns wrongdoing and chastises the media and fans for not asking 'why don't we care that these guys cheat, and why don't we hold them to a higher standard?'

A fully loaded question has a chamber full of answers. Performance enhancing profiling, a seemingly arbitrary selection process of who cheated and who didn't based off of whether or not fans and the media like athletes, is a problem and one answer to the question.

Lance Armstrong is a world class jerk who was raked across the coals by everybody with a blog, podcast, column, radio show, or television talk show because his miraculous comeback from cancer was tainted. While Armstrong most assuredly deserved all of the scrutiny he deserved, there are the following points to consider.

• Fans expect everyone in the Tour De France to bike across an average of 2,235 miles.
• The shortest day of riding a bike during the tour is roughly 94 miles. 
• The riders’ bike for 21 straight days, or three consecutive weeks depending on how you look at it.
• The Pyrenees Mountain Chain is 305 miles long and has been a staple in the Tour De France since its inception. And that's the "easy" mountain in the race. 
• The longest stage is about 140 miles.
• Riding up a mountain is far more difficult due to the change in elevation and the decrease in breathable air. 
• The cyclists ride their bikes through multiple countries at some point or another in the race. 

This race is ludicrous by the standards of a normal human being. Most people may not be able to do this race over the course of two months, let alone three weeks. There is no way that the Tour De France would be able to get enough athletes to compete in this race without the unwanted aid of performance enhancing drugs. 

But God forbid if anyone took performance enhancing drugs to even complete this daunting race. It is also unthinkable that football players who weigh as much as hogs and run as fast as gazelles can't do either of those things naturally. And anyone who can hit a baseball traveling 90 plus miles per hour over 430 feet more than 30 times a year in seven months has to be juicing.  

Yet everyone wants to know why we don't talk about it more. How come Stephen A. Smith and Skip Bayless haven't ripped each others' heads off over this issue on First Take yet? How come nobody has the stones to stand up and say 'I think these guys are all using PED's?' 

The easiest and perhaps most logical answer is that there is no course of action regarding PED's that will end well. 

You can't legalize performance enhancing drugs in professional sports because it could lead to a legalized drug race. 

Teams with the highest payrolls across MLB, the NBA, the NFL, and the NHL would start to pay doctors who prescribe drugs for boatloads of HGH, danazol, and toradol. If a team didn't have as many doctors to prescribe these drugs in their back pockets, they would in theory lose out to teams that accepted doping. 

The governing bodies of professional sports would look like hypocrites and be chastised publicly again and again ad nauseum. Picture Bud Selig legalizing the bane of his tenure as baseball's commissioner. He'd be strung up by his baseballs and lit into for failing to protect the integrity of the game until the day he died. 

Not to mention the players of every sport who used PED's would try to sue their respective league after they retired. The narrative for the athletes here is simple: I didn't know about the dangers of this particular drug I took for the better part of a decade, so I am going to sue you for money because I should be compensated for my ignorance. 

Ergo, PED post retirement compensation will mirror the concussion mess the NFL is dealing with right now. But because these drugs were legal, the lawsuits would be in the hundreds of thousands as opposed to the thousands.

Okay so legalizing performance enhancing drugs doesn't work, yet trying to irradiate them from professional sports is neither practical nor possible. 

The same way that kids will always try to find a way to get some form of high illegally professional athletes will try to utilize some method to gain a competitive advantage. Kobe Bryant can go to Germany to get his blood spun in some machine which nobody knows how it works  to completely rejuvenate his destroyed body, but Roger Clemens can't get injected with testosterone, or HGH, or whatever he used. Both are performance enhancing methods, yet Kobe's was not deemed illegal because...

The method of determining which methods of performance enhancing drugs are legal and which ones aren't has not been properly explained to everyone. To the casual viewer what a guy can do to enhance his performance and what they can't do remain unclear and vague. 

Still even if these methods are determined rationally and everyone knows which drugs they can and cannot use to enhance performance, athletes are always going to find illegal methods to try and gain a competitive edge. Biological passports or not, somebody is going to find a way to beat the system. 

Ultimately that form of testing will be perceived as ineffective because it didn't catch everybody. Therefore we are left with three options either legalize the PED's and initiate a legal drug race. Spend millions of dollars and make earth shattering rules that make PED's illegal; only to wait until somebody beats the best form of testing for the upteempth time and a cheater who we find to be 'great' breaks the hearts of millions again. Or maintain the status quo of PED profiling.

All of those options suck. Since there is no good answer to the PED question at this time, the easiest move is for sports fans to close their eyes, take deep breaths, and transport themselves to a place where athletes can do superhuman things on command.

The Sports Bar Debate: The Return of the NHL

A man walks into a dimly lit sports bar right across the street from Fenway Park and orders a drink.

He gets halfway through it when Sports Center flashes on the screen that the commissioner of the NHL and the director of the players association have tentatively agreed to end the lockout.

The first man sighs heavily and continues to sip his drink. He has seen the days of Bobby Orr, Gordie Howe, and Brett Hull. He is pessimistic about the future of the NHL and how once again the fans lost a contest between billionaires and millionaires.

Suddenly a fellow patron comes to the bar, orders a drink, guzzles half of it, and then slaps the first man on the shoulder. For too long he has been robbed of his favorite sport and is elated to see it’s return.

The optimist turns to the pessimist, smiles, and raises his glass to propose a toast.

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Glass Half Full Guy: To the triumphant return of Hockey to the national stage!

Glass Half Empty Guy: Yeah great, it only took them the better part of three months for them to reach an agreement….

Glass Half Full Guy: Yeah it’s rough, but hey we have Hockey in spite of Garry Bettman and Donald Fehr. They tried awfully hard to take this game away from us, but they couldn’t do it.

Glass Half Empty Guy: I suppose you plan on watching every game that they have coming up don’t you?

Glass Half Full Guy: You bet. We are talking Bruins, Rangers, Kings, Devils, heck maybe even the Panthers will even make a run at the Cup again. Who do you have coming out of the Atlantic Division?

Glass Half Empty Guy: (sighs) I don’t plan on watching a single game this season. I have no intention of giving a colluded league a single dime of my money. And I don’t plan on associating myself with the NHL ever again.

Glass Half Full Guy: Now why would you go and say a crazy thing like that?

Glass Half Empty Guy: Because those at the top seem to have no interest in fixing their broken business product. This was the third lockout Bettman has overseen in the last 20 years. A year ago the NHL posted record revenues and honestly had a chance to compete with the NBA for fans on a nightly basis.

Instead, Bettman and his goons decided to once again piss away all of the good that they managed to accomplish. And for what, a 64.3 million dollar salary cap next year instead of 70.2 million this year?

Glass Half Full Guy: A couple of things. First off, nobody hates Garry Bettman more than die hard hockey fans.

We are neither blind nor ignorant to the way he treats us. We know that we come out looking like the dogs in the Sarah McLachlan commercials. And every single NHL fan wants Bettman strung up by his nether region, repeatedly beaten with maple hockey sticks, and then fired in the most shameful way possible.

Second, while there is a great amount of stuff dealing with not making contracts back heavy and contract limits the players got something very important: better pensions.

Glass Half Empty Guy: But it’s not like hockey players didn’t have pensions before.

The last time the NHL updated its pension policy was in 1993. Every player who played over 400 games in their career got 1,250 dollars on a yearly basis.

Glass Half Full Guy: Right. And about one forth of the pension plan money came from the NHLPA’s pocket.

At least with a structure for better pensions, the players will be able to get better care after they stop playing.

Glass Half Empty Guy: But do you really feel that bad for these guys after their careers are over? The league minimum last year was 525,000 dollars. The bum at the end of the bench makes six figures a year. Guys like Steven Stamkos probably make more money than the entire province of Alberta.

Glass Half Full Guy: Yes these guys make more money in five years than I’ll ever see in my entire lifetime, but that is beside the point.

First of all there are countless more stadium workers who don’t make six figures a year that can now get back to work as a result of the lockout ending. They lost a good chunk of their salary as a direct result of the lockout and now they get to work more. That is great news.

Glass Half Empty Guy: I’ll give you that for sure.

Glass Half Full Guy: Glad we agree on something. But more to your initial point it’s not about the money. The world of sports is better off with hockey as a part of it.

You remember Mark Messier’s guarantee game and Bobby Orr flying over that guy’s skate scoring the game winning goal don’t you? Hockey can bring people together….

Glass Half Empty Guy: ..And drive them apart after the collective bargaining agreement expires. Who is to say that the second longest work stoppage in league history is not going to happen again in eight years because Jeremy Jacobs doesn’t want to share money with Charles Wang?

It isn’t just hockey. We’ve been seeing recently that the business aspect of professional sports is tarnishing the purity of the games themselves.

Entire sports bar: Hear hear!

Glass Half Full Guy: I’ll drink to that sad but true statement.

Even so every sport has its problems. The NFL doesn’t care about player safety even with  an alarming increase in concussion lawsuits and player suicides. The NBA is dictated entirely by the players and becoming too top heavy as a result. And baseball is on the decline because the game ‘takes too long’ in a faster paced age.

As hockey fans we know what the league’s faults are. I’d argue that most of them aren’t related to the product that is being put on the ice nightly.

Glass Half Empty Guy: By that token though it feels like you guys act stunned when the same things that have been happening to you over the last 20 years continue to ruin your sport. That’s what I don’t get.

Glass Half Full Guy: That is because you hear more disappointment from the diehards than surprise. There are times when we can’t believe that the NHL is run by a bunch of incompetent fools hell-bent on ruining the game we love. But we love hockey in spite of them.

Besides, once the playoffs roll around you are definitely going to watch hockey. Playoff hockey is so much better than normal hockey and everyone loves to watch it.

Glass Half Empty Guy: And what makes you think that I’ll turn on the NHL?

Glass Half Full Guy: For the same reason you get on our cases for being so loyal to the game: hockey compels people to watch it.

For better or worse the NHL will find a way to rope back in the ungodly loyal, the casual, and non cynical viewers to boost their product again to the same heights of last season.

And maybe by that point, Bettman will be forced to resign and the game can actually grow.

Glass Half Empty Guy: (shaking head somberly) Albert Einstein once said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. That is the case with hockey in my opinion.

Glass Half Full Guy: Well Francis Bacon said ‘there is in human nature generally more of the fool than of the wise.’

Are die hard hockey fans foolish for not seeing these pitfalls? To an extent. But it is way better than the alternative.

Glass Half Empty Guy: Which is?

Glass Half Full Guy: To shut off everything we love about the game just because a few bad apples are trying to ruin the whole batch. 

If we give up on the game, they win. And that is unacceptable.

Glass Half Empty Guy: (sighs) I guess. By the way, who the hell is Francis Bacon?

Glass Half Full Guy: Kevin Bacon’s smarter brother maybe, I don’t know. I found the quote on the internet. 

Glass Half Empty Guy: Oh well, to the NHL (raises glass). Fire Bettman!

Entire Sports bar:  Fire Bettman!!!!