Align em Up

In the same way that stars align in order to form famous constellations, teams general locations near each other are coordinated by their respective leagues in order to build divisions. Through these alignments, certain teams like the Saint Louis Cardinals and Chicago Cubs, have been granted the opportunities to play each other so much and form a historic rivalry. In terms of the National Hockey League, let's just say that if the Central Division in the Western Conference was altered. Then the  rivalry between the Chicago Blackhawks and Detroit Red Wings looses some value because they are not competing for a division crown. If a league such as the National Hockey League or Major League Baseball decided that their current system did not work, they would change it. So the question becomes, should either the NHL or MLB decide to scrap their current formations and re-align their leagues?

Let us take a look at the NHL first.

Recently, the NHL moved the Atlanta Thrashers all the way up to Winnipeg Canada, and have revived the Winnipeg Jets franchise. Although this is good news for Hockey, the Jets are still in the Southeast Division despite being geographically above hockey towns such as New York, Detroit, Minnesota, and Boston. A Canadian team should not have to travel that far just to play a division game. The amount of traveling the Jets would have to do and the limited rest they would get would be an unfair advantage for the rest of the league. Such a competitive disadvantage for one team has to be addressed, and the only way for the NHL to do so is through realignment. And just shifting the Jets to say the Northwest division would break the neat and tidy five teams to a division theme the NHL has going on. There is allegedly interest in making four divisions with eight teams in two of them and seven in the other two. It would be different, but give it about a season and everyone would be used to it.

So should the NHL realign the Entire League? : YES 

Now, let's change gears to the issue of realignment in Major League Baseball.

As the running theme seems to be for this summer in sports, the Collective Bargaining Agreement that Major League Baseball has is set to expire on December 1st of this year. And one of the big issues that sits firmly on the negotiating table is the issue of realignment. One of the reported ideas for realignment is that Baseball would split the 30 teams into two leagues, or conferences of 15 teams. But the new fun wrinkle in this system would be that Baseball would add a second Wild Card Team. So the number of teams that make the playoffs would go from eight to ten. Adding more playoff teams is an interesting idea, but ten teams would not work because two teams would have to sit around and wait. It's not like football where it's one game, loser goes home. Baseball prides itself on series, and since baseball is all about timing and momentum, it would be in fact worse for the higher seeds to sit and wait while other teams get into a groove in the playoffs. There are potential realignment ideas that could work for baseball, but the league's reported plan is not one of them.

So, should Baseball realign under THIS proposed plan?: NO

Realignment has such a huge impact on a sport that a commissioner and his brain trust would need months of discussion before setting a plan into motion. But hopefully, the adjustments that will be made will make everyone who loves their sports happy.

Falling Skies: My Beef and Early Review

I'm really not sure if Massachusetts is the best set piece for the background of this new Sci-Fi TV series on TNT.

Me, and everyone that I've personally spoken with...including my more Nerdy friends (like cosplay Nerdy) have destined this series to fail.  When did we come to this conclusion you might ask?

After seeing the TV commercials.

Now that I've actually seen an episode of Falling Skies, I can officially state that it is fucking brutal.

It's not as bad as Robot Holocaust, but it is bad.


Now...I've seen my fair-share of corny movies, but this is a TV show....and it is C-O-R-N-Y, capslock and letter spacing intended.

So apparently basic plot wise: #1 Alien invasion, #2 90% of the human race is wiped out, and along with it the majority of every country's military #3 The story picks up 6 months after the invasion.  The group being followed is a rebel group in MA.

MA?

Wait...

MA?  As in Massachusetts.  As in Liberal-Ville and Hard-on-for-Gun-Control-Town?

So....let me get this straight.  The world's militaries have been extinguished...and the fate of the planet now relies on civilian militia-members from suburbia in Massachusetts?

My first Beef of the Series: This plot point right here.  I don't care that 90% of the world's population has been knocked out, modern Mass sure ain't what it used to be way back in the revolution. *Note there are still tough sections of MA where badasses still live on, but most of the characters appear to be Suburb-material.


*I'm going to place a hefty little disclaimer here and just say upfront that not all people in MA are like what I'm about to describe*

I don't care that there was an Alien invasion and a near-extermination of the human race...I still find it hard to believe the story that a bunch of civvies from humble backgrounds in Mass are now proficient in automatic weaponry (not to mention...speaking of automatic weaponry...how the fuck did an Automatic Kalashnikov end up in MA?--Armageddon be damned, that's still crazy-illegal for MA standards...do you realize where that thing would have to come from, even stateside? What does that mean for post-apocalyptic shipping payments?).

Don't get me wrong here, I'd like to believe that the fighters portrayed in the TV series are all crazy Irish mofos from Southie, but sadly..that is not the case.  The XO of the damn group used to be a History Professor from Cambridge, and one of his sons was a Lax bro in Highschool.

Mass wise you usually don't fuck around in Cambridge, but Mr. Professor doesn't look like he's from Boston. None of the characters are believable.  Everyone is a wuss!

Why can't I be watching cool characters that actually embody the fighting spirit of the city of Boston in badassery?

Would it be too much to ask for some comic relief in a show that takes itself way to seriously (TNT sure does "know drama")? I want to see some crazy-ass Bruins fan wearing all Stanley Cup get-up go berserk with a tire iron, I mean come on!  No-one one the show has a Boston accent, and they look like they all came from Marblehead (zing!...maybe a bit too harsh).

Instead I'm stuck watching a bunch of pusbags go through incredibly corny character developments and family dynamics at inconvenient times.

Which leads me to my second Beef with the Series:  This is so friggen corny.  Is this really the best time to be exploring family relations?  There's a big fucking alien robot-thing right over there...and I'm not sure if you noticed...but it's trying to kill you.

On a side note: The lack of discipline is astounding.  THIS IS THE END OF THE WORLD. The military CoC (Chain of Command) is not a democracy...followwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww your orderrrrrrrrrrss.  The dog was sent over there to see if there was a robot....you shouldn't run after the dog yelling, giving away your team's position.  Thus, you are stupid for caring more about the dog than the lives of your squad members.  This is painful to watch, and part of the reason why I consider these characters to be wusses.

Charcters/families aside...it's still fucking corny.  If this helps to explain anything: Spielberg produced the damn thing.  With the exception of Super 8, it's been decided by most of the collective majority that he's lost his edge.  I don't think Spielberg can really afford another flop...and personally...I wouldn't want my name attached anywhere near this project.

There's so many "intense" and "deep" moments early on in this series that it's already ridiculous.  The music, the chirpy-sing-along-around-the-camp-fire mentality over bonding in watching a kid use a skateboard, the "come play catch with me! (using lacrosse sticks)....UGH ENOUGH.  This is a story of the end of days!!!

There's still time to salvage the project, but if my early disinterest in the characters and other sentiments are any indication of what other people may be feeling, I don't think this show will survive.  It reminds me of another disaster-end-of-the-world TV series: Jericho on CBS.

Only difference is, Jericho's slow start eventually picked up, and I was satisfied with its ending---it was cancelled for being slow, then brought back by fans...picked up, and then was cancelled again, but not before it tied up its story-line.

Let's hope Falling Skies scraps the sentimental crap and cuts to the action..otherwise I can't imagine it being picked up for a 2nd season.

--Fin--

Best Worst Movie: Robot Holocaust (1986)

1986.

The year that brought you Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Aliens, Platoon and Top Gun (Not to mention Highlander).

It also brought us Robot Holocaust.


How could this movie have been overlooked by mainstream audiences?  Why is it not inducted into the glorious film hall of fame that these other acclaimed films are represented in?

Is this movie a diamond in the rough that never got its chance to shine?

Nope.

It's just yet another fantastic piece of shit.

This movie was so unspeakably bad that my friends and I were not even able to finish it.  It also was so bad that it made its way onto Scy Fy's famous "Mystery Science Theater 3000" during Season 1.  You can watch the full movie--complete with MST3K's commentary here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=43bMXSfwlYs&feature=related

What made this movie so bad?

The premise doesn't seem that bad...Robots rose to take over the earth and in turn made man their servants. A band of rebels, led by....wait for this one....Neo (either its a weird coincidence or the Wachowski brothers ripped off Robot Holocaust) go to the "power station" to confront and defeat the "Dark One".

Okay...so why is the movie such a piece of crap?

Did you look at that link above I gave you?  The first 5 minutes of the damn movie are hard enough to get through.  There was a "Robot Holocaust" that left a "wasteland"...and yet I can clearly see skyscrapers in the background of that abandoned pier you're filming.

The remaining humans are left to....silly looking caveman clothing and swords.  While the robots have death rays and... surprisingly other than that not very advanced looking technology..apparently the majority of robots prefer swords and maces to death rays themselves (there must have been a shortage after the war). 

And why is a human working for the Dark One?  That isn't really explained (oh wait...it is, I guess she's a robot herself?---I just watched part 2 of one of the videos posted below..but I'm too lazy to change the sentencing here), but she does get points for hotness coupled with a sexy accent (P.S. Dom, looks like she's Deutsche, not French). Seen below:

As far as I could find, Robot Holocaust was the actress' (Angelika Jager) first....and only film.  

Probably because the acting is downright hideous.  Just look at this Youtube video (done in two parts and uploaded by "Xysmatascruff"):

Good LORD.

Beauty clearly isn't everything.  Unfortunately, somehow Megan Fox continues to get jobs, despite an uncanny acting ability very similar to Angelika Jager.  (Did you see that Jonah Hex trailer?  DID YOU?!?!?....worst Southern accent ever)

Conclusion

Unfortunately this movie wasn't as good as Wrong Side of Town. Instead of being "so awful it's funny", the film just ended up being "so awful".  Best bet is to see if you yourself can stand to watch this terrible....terribllllllllllee.... TERRIBLY deformed abortion of failed creativity.

Rated R for Nudity and Horrendous "violent" special effects. 

Best Part of the Movie: Getting to meet this gem of a useless character:

We dubbed him "Fabio".

Biggest WTF Moment of the Movie:  The only nudity scene involves Jager (JAGER BOMBS...sorry..had to throw that in there---see my "Bros" post), and a "pleasure machine" (imagine a telephone box..it's nothing f*cked up).  

Basically....the director of the film was a pervert and decided to create an unnecessarily long, not to mention trippy, topless scene.

SERIOUSLY WTF

Its like a club rave scene without the club.  And the ravers just happen to be meth-addicted + ridden with a "restless-limb" syndrome.  That's considered dancing in the future?  What?? 

How Bad is Bad?

Rated 1.01 poopsicles out of 5.

--Fin--

5 Obnoxious Pet Peeves Which I Can Quickly Rattle Off

5. People who don't know how to use 4-way stops.
These are not complicated.  Stop behind the white line when you see a red Octagon with the letters "STOP" written in white with in it.  If you got to the stop sign before the other cars, you may go.  If you did not, wait until all of the cars that got there before you did take their turns.  Do not neglect the stop sign and roll into the intersection and honk at me, narrowly missing the hood of my car.  You are a moron, and deserve to be yelled at by me.

4. In general, don't be an idiot when you drive.
CJ can attest to this one.


What's more important, not getting water on your car or not getting into a car accident?

Apparently for the woman driving the SUV across from me in the other lane, water appeared to be more of a danger.

The sprinkler system at the Bank of America ATM where I was headed for had not been installed properly...and instead of spraying the grass, the sprinklers were instead spraying the street.  Instead of staying in her own lane, the woman edged her car into mine, while her face contorted into irritable annoyance at this pesky water.

Noted, she was in a Cadillac Escalade, and did not just jut her car into my lane, but instead opted for a full head on collision.

It's water. Not acid...it's not going to corrode the paint on your car, or spill into your gas line and cause your car to explode.

Just one example of thousands of idiotic moments for you right there....another one is pictured below

In all seriousness, I've almost been killed numerous times by morons who text while driving. 

Point being: Don't be a moron when your behind the wheel of a car.  Your "luxury" vehicle can quickly turn into a thousand pound killing machine if you use it like a jackass.

3. Cowardice (via social networking/internet)

This has hit a very serious nerve in me in recent weeks over a very serious topic.  Don't discredit your character by talking shit through a faceless computer.

2. Wrongful Assumptions
This can be a pet peeve in a number of scenarios.

Class A Pet Peeve: Assumptions placed upon that of Personal Character (this is especially my pet peeve if you do not know the person, or already have a preconceived notion of who a person is).
Class B Pet Peeve: Assumptions where you believe you have an inherent knowledge better than those actually involved in a scenario.
Class C Pet Peeve: Assumptions where you believe you have an inherent knowledge of one's (or a group's) actions better than the person(s) themselves.
Class D Pet Peeve: Assumptions based Solely on information given by a 3rd Party, who was not present at the scenario in question.
Class E Pet Peeve: Assumptions based off of false information. 


I can count on one hand the number of people who will wrongfully assume what the foundations for this post were.


Nonetheless, I'm sure people would agree that these types of assumptions are annoying regardless of what type of context they are in.

1. Incompetence
Number 1 Obnoxious Pet Peeve as of right now.

It speaks for itself.

--Fin--

The Top 6 Marginally Appropriate Demotivationals I Could Put on my Page, Which I Bumped into When Searching For Demotivationals in my Next Post

Note: I did not make any of these, but I thank those who did.

6.

5.

4.

3.

2.

1.

--Fin--

Buzzer Beaters

The NBA may have a new champion, but for all of those players who were not able to tattoo the Larry O' Brien trophy on themselves this season, help is on the way. The NBA Draft begins tomorrow night at 7:00 P.M. on ESPN. Unfortunately for many teams, this draft class lacks a franchise changing player that can immediately take their club out of the basement. The projected number one overall pick, Kyrie Irving, is an inexperienced point guard who was hurt for the majority of his only season at Duke. There is a total of zero dominant big men in the class of 2011. Scouts can rave about Enes Canter and Jonas Valanciunas all they want, but the fact remains that there have only been two noteworthy foreign centers, Yao Ming before he got hurt and Andrew Bogut, who have panned out. The best overall player in this very weak draft class is Derick Williams because of his length, versatility, and scoring ability. Williams' play is similar to Paul Pierce's, but Pierce could not win a ring by himself and neither will Williams without a little help from his new friends.

Speaking of the NBA draft, the number of rumors going around regarding trading players and picks is reminiscent of high school gossip. But the juiciest rumor surrounding this year's draft is that the San Antonio Spurs will part ways with one of their big three. The Spurs have talked with multiple teams about trading point guard Tony Parker for a high first round draft pick. The two lottery teams that seem to be the most receptive to these conversations have been the Toronto Raptors and the Sacramento Kings.The Kings started former Spur Beno Udrith at point guard for the bulk of the season last year, but they were still cellar dwellers. With big man Demarcus Cousins already in place, the Kings next logical step would be to add an experienced point guard. Although the overall probability of this happening is still in doubt, the Spurs seem willing to part with Parker due to his declining play, and the fact that Parker thinks the Spurs championship window has closed. 

While the Los Angeles Dodgers continue to struggle on the field, they still hold the crown for ugliest divorce in sports this year. After Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig rejected the Dodger's proposed Television deal with FOX sports yesterday. Frank McCourt's lawyer called Selig's decision "premeditated" and questioned if Selig's actions were in good faith. Selig said yesterday about the proposed deal, "It is my conclusion that the proposed transaction with FOX would not be in the best interest of the Los Angeles Dodgers franchise..." This proposed deal would have given half the up front money of the deal to the McCourts instead of the team. Without this T.V. deal, the Dodgers will not make the June 30th payroll and Major League Baseball will seize the franchise from the McCourts and put the Dodgers up for sale. 

A tennis rematch for the century was a colossal disappointment. John Isner defeated Nicholas Mahut 7-6, 6-2, 7-6 in the first round of Wimbledon action yesterday. Although the result was the same as last time, the rest of the matches could not have differed more. In the first round match between these two at Wimbledon last year, Isner and Mahut played the longest match in tennis history at eleven hours and five minutes long. These two set records for the longest set in tennis history at eight hours and eleven minutes. Most games in a set with 138 games in the fifth. Most games in a match with 183 games. And most total aces in a match with 216; Isner had 113 and Mahut had 103 aces. This year was just your typical run of the mill tennis match that Isner won in straight sets. And although this win proves once and for all that Isner is the better player than Mahut, it would have been nice to see this thing go five sets. In the end, lightning did not strike twice, and this match is just as human as any other in Wimbledon. Isner advances to the second round for the second year in a row.

Finally in NFL Labor situation news, the owners have drawn up a new blueprint for the collective bargaining agreement. In the deal, the players would get 48% of the total revenue. Teams would be required to spend almost all of their salary cap money. There would be a rookie wage scale in place when the deal is finalized. And the Owners would get some expense credits that would allow for new stadium funding. But despite the pay cut, the new deal does have some parts that the players like. The rookie wage scale being one of them, because nobody wants to see JaMarcus Russell for 68 million dollars over six years happen again. And retired players would get better health care and pensions because the league's revenue is projected to double by 2016. Also, the player's share in the money will never dip below 46.5% and the 18 game regular season is virtually off the table. If this were proposed in May, there would be time for negotiations, but this is essentially the Owners take-it-or-leave-it proposal. Now the fans wait for the players response, still without football.

Holy Sh@! People Really Love Raptors

I have almost 4,000 views alone on the Raptor post, due to people being obsessed with "Raptors" and the "Spas 12 Shotgun".

This is a test...let's just see if I include images of a T-Rex and another famous gun, I can hit over 4,000 pageviews on this post.

T-Rex

M1911 (Colt .45)

People must really love raptors.  Which is totally ludicrous if you think about it.  My Bin Laden post, which is a pretty damn big story (If I may say so myself), only got 56 page-views.

What??? 

People are more interested in freakin creatures that have been dead for millions of years then they are the most dangerous terrorist in the world! (Past tense...because he got nailed by DEVGRU via 7.62mm ((or 5.56..depending on your source))).

So for all you Dino-lovers out there.  Here it is, the ultimate challenge.  

Raptors+Spas 12s VS. T-Rex+M1911 (That's a Colt .45 for all you N00bs out there)----which one will win?

--Fin--

Lights, Camera, Athletes!

Professional athletes are used to being followed around by cameras before, during, and especially after the game. These cameras are the omnipresent eye that sees athletes' successes, failures, and the occasional tirade. But what the game time broadcasts usually fail to capture is who these famous sports athletes are as people. Some athletes enjoy the everlasting spotlight that shine on their lives, while others prefer to fade into the background when the game has been won or lost. But let's face it, the athletes who relish the spotlight are always the more fun because they like spending their time in front of cameras. And the athletes who don't fear the cameras, decide to spend more time in front of them by appearing in movies. There have been a decent number of professional athletes in successful movies, and movies that bombed.

First up on this list is the most recent, Mike Tyson in The Hangover

Mike Tyson has been one of the most interesting boxers in his generation. His 50 career record in the ring is 50-6-2 with 44 career knockouts, But his record on the big screen includes one really good performance in the first Hangover . The first time Mighty Mike appears on the screen, he reels the audience in by singing Phil Collin's song  In the Air Tonight. Tyson was able to captivate some of his boxing skills in a fitting manner, by punching out Zach Galifianakis's character after the guys steal Tyson's pet tiger. Then when he is watching the protagonists shenanigans on the security camera, the really guys, really look is very convincing. And although the franchise seems to de-fang Tyson in the film, Mighty Mike seems to have accepted the transition  from boxing tyrant, to lovable comedy actor. 

Overall grade for Tyson on screen: B+

Next up on the list is Michael Jordan in Space Jam. 

The greatest NBA player ever joins forces with the Loony Toons cast in the 1996 live/animated film to save the world from aliens. The concept is a little silly, but the purpose of this film was to make children laugh and teach them good values; and the film itself does a good job of executing their game plan. As for Jordan's role in the film, he is thrust into a basketball game to save the Loony Toons home. Jordan's play during the game gets more characteristic of his career during the second half of the film, when he rallies the team to victory. In terms of his character during the film, he goes from a lack of self confidence, to teacher, to leader, and finally to the Michael Jordan we are all used to seeing. And like most things Jordan did in his career, he executed his role well. But don't expect much of Jordan the actor, outside of a well written, simple script. 

Overall Grade for MJ on screen: B-

Next up, we take flight with Kareem Abdul Jabbar in Airplane

The NBA's all time leading scorer decided to try his luck at being an actor during the 1980's; and his first and only film was very successful. For those who have never seen Airplane, it is basically the first successful spoof movie. Abdul Jabbar's character in the film is the plane's co-pilot Roger Murdoch. Murdoch's role is very non essential to the plot, however, Murdoch does have a humorous dialogue with a young boy regarding Murdoch's true identity. Since Abdul Jabbar's character is so unessential to the plot, the writers get rid of him quickly by having Murdoch be one of the first individuals who gets sick. In short, the film did very well, but Abdul Jabbar's character was not compelling enough to give him much screen time.

Overall grade for Abdul Jabbar on screen: C

Next we look at how other NBA big men have done on the big screen with Shaquille O' Neal in Kazaam

Shaquille O' Neal was one of the most dominating big men ever to play the game of basketball; and with his vibrant personality, his trip to the big screen seemed inevitable. Unfortunately, the big diesel's performance in this horror show was unable to add the big Oscar to his long list of nicknames. The film itself is your typical boy-meets-genie movie that revolves around the genie, played by O' Neal, and his owner having to come up with three wishes. The first problem with this film was that Shaq's character came out of a boom box instead of the typical magic lamp. What kind of genie gets trapped in a boombox? Especially one who is 7'2 and weighs 360 pounds. Also, Shaq's genie character takes us away from the humorous Shaq we all know and love, by making him appear to lack self confidence. Despite Shaq's marketability and sense of humor, this terrible film will forever prevent the big cactus from claiming Hollywood fame.

Overall grade for Shaq on screen: F 

Finally, we turn to the old west and an even older athlete. Alex Karras in Blazing Saddles

For those who may not know the name Alex Karras, he was a defensive lineman who played for the Detroit Lions from 1958 until 1970. Karras had a very good carrer, for he made four pro bowls, had four career interceptions as a defensive lineman, and was a part of the 1960's NFL All Decade Team. But as good as he was on the field, the lineman killed on screen. Karras was perfect for the character of Mongo, for Mongo was a simple minded hired hand with ludicrous physical abilities. During the course of the film, Mongo proves his strength by punching out a horse, and breaking out of chains as if they were tissue paper. However, Mongo's confrontation with the protagonist does not go so well, for the sheriff outsmarts Mongo and captures him. As a character, Karras fit into his role of the crazy strong, dim witted Mongo beautifully. It was a match made in movie making heaven and Mongo's character contributed by not only being comedy relief, but also aided in the protagonist's development as a sheriff.

Overall grade for Karras on screen: A

The number of athletes that hit the big screen is relatively low. And although there have been successes on the big screen, there have also been some very underwhelming performances. Athletes and movies were both made to entertain the masses, but maybe keeping them separated is what is best for both worlds.

Strange Cultural Practices

*DISCLAIMER* I am not a racist, these are cultural practices from around the world including from America that appear strange to my White, Northeastern, American, Catholic self, and I'm sure there are many people around the world who would find my cultural practices odd as well and I would not call them racist for it, so if you're going to call me a racist, save it, then stuff it.

Suttee (Sati):

Ahhh, the old (18th century) Hindu practice of the wife (widow) throwing herself on the burning funeral pyre of her recently dead husband. The Brits were completely revolted by it to the point of illegalising it, a move indicative of the early British attempts at complete "Anglicization" of India that they eventually abandoned. You can't blame them though, it is a bit odd that the wife believes so strongly in this practice that she willingly throws herself on a burning body and burns to death with it. Some people would call it love, I call it strange.

The Niqab:

Ya, I went there, please don't argue with me: it's weird. This is the tradition of Muslim women wearing a full black gown and face covering. In going to Wikipedia to try to make sense of this one, I found the article's accidental pun that the Niqab continues to "arouse debate" among Islamic scholars to be quite humorous. For those that didn't get that, the point of the Niqab is so women avoid "arousing" unrelated men with their "Awrah" aka their intimate parts, which apparently includes everything on the female body except for the eyeballs. Many Islamic legalists contend that this culture was a warped interpretation of pre-Islamic Arab and Persian culture, and that its "full black body suit" revival has been brought on by uneducated Imans (clerics) with "little or no formal training". Apparently the forehead, knees, shins, feet, forearms, fingers, etc. are just too damn sexy to be left uncovered...and before I cross the line any further: thats all I have to say about that.

Exorcism:

Time to shit on my fellow Catholics. Exorcism is freakin' weird! Essentially people who have either (1.) gone insane or (2.) gone bat shit crazy, claim that they have been possessed by demons (or other people like priests claim they have been) and a process is undergone to "evict" the demon from the body. Out come the candles, handcuffs, crucifixes, and other things needed for a wild night of demon evicting and some freaky ritual stuff goes down. Sometimes the victim of the exorcism is killed in the process, i.e. ran out of air while the priest tried to "drown the demon out" and other such unfortunate things. This is one of the odder religious practices out there, and is owned not exclusively by Catholics, but is most often performed by them in modern history.

Eunuchs:

Now this one is kind of nasty, but thats the point of "strange cultural practices" is it not? Eunuchs are essentially castrated males that are servants enlisted and castrated to perform a specific task. For any grade-schoolers reading this (which you shouldn't be) castrating means relieving a male of his junk. Some examples of reasons this would be necessary are: eunuchs retain a boy-like singing voice for life valued in some cultures, eunuch priests in some religions are required to practice celibacy the hard way, and eunuchs were used to guard concubines or female family members and castrated so they wouldn't "self-indulge". For lack of a more sensitive way to say it, this s**t is f**ked up. Now I must set the "safesearch" feature all the way up, type "Eunuch" into google images, and hope I don't get any actual pictures of one with "his" skirt lifted(doubtful).

Last but not least, Footbinding:

Footbinding is very odd indeed. The Chinese have been binding feet, that is breaking and compressing the foot into about a size 2 horizontal and size 5 vertical, for one thousand years and were doing it with regularity until the 1900s. The point is for the wealthy to bind the feet to the point that one can not realistically walk and in doing so, they show that they are super-awesome because they can ruin their bodies to the point of not being able to walk and still live off their money, thus showing definitively that they don't have to work. What those geniuses hadn't figured out is that you don't need to crunch your feet into the size of a baseball to not work, you just have to...well...not work. Before you ask, NO, they do not make you look like you have sexy little "petite" feet, rather they make you look like you have nasty ass deformed alien feet. This practice is really quite revolting to me, and it will be to you if you just imagine fracturing the bones in your feet and then duct-taping them until they fit inside of a coffee mug. Thats all, ladies.

Sorry if offended anyone, not my intent!!

5 EPICLY AWESOME (and possibly Bad) Rock Songs

#5 Eye of the Tiger-Survivor

Mmmmm....yes the cliche 80s choice.  If you don't know where this song is from, you need to fall into a pit filled with snakes after shooting the man who killed your father with a Spencer Carbine (sorry..I just watched "True Grit"...point is, instead of surviving and only getting your arm amputated, you should stay in that pit until you come up with the right answer).

Anywayyyy, Eye of the Tiger isn't the most EPICLY AWESOME song out there.  It's only considered EPICLY AWESOME because of the Rocky movie series (I think the 1st is deeply overrated..but that's a post for a different time).

Band wise-you do have to admire the shnazy beret and leather jacket combo, completed with the creepy singing.

How it could be even more EPICLY AWESOME: Berets and leather jackets on skinny white Americans look wimpy, let alone French people (heyoo!).  Make the band out of Black Panthers and allow them to fire riot rounds into the air during the climax of the song. 

#4 Take On Me-A-ha

Take on Me by A-ha is an EPIC 80s song. The music vid is pretty snazzy, and how the hell does he get his voice so high?

No seriously.  That was a serious question.  He's like Biebs only not a complete pusbag.

How it could be even more EPICLY AWESOME: Have a high-pitch sing off versus Biebs and A-ha.  Whoever loses is committed to Gladiatorial games.

Against freakin Tigers.

#3 The Final Countdown-Europe

The Final Countdown.  It's been a staple in the sports industry (apparently..according to some dubious sources).  Not only is this song EPICLY AWESOME, its also EPICLY BAD.  I mean we can be honest with ourselves here...it's not the best song out there, its cheesy and silly...and that's why it gets stuck in our heads (like Gunther).

It is EPICLY AWESOME though.  EPICLY AWESOME enough to start playing in my head after I had finished my DBQs (Document Based Questions..derr) and had narrowed down my multiple choice to 10 questions during the infamous AP Euro test.

How it could be even more EPICLY AWESOME: Cue the music to a UFC matchup during a blackout submission.

#2 In the Air Tonight-Phil Collins

According to Urban Myth the song is about a drowning.  According to Collin's himself its about him divorcing his 1st wife in 1979.

Either way...still a boss song.

How it could be even more EPICLY AWESOME: Re-shoot the music video but have Mike Tyson punch out Stew again in the end.

#1 I need a Hero-Bonnie Tyler

 

How can this song not be EPI..okay you get it..enough of the caps lock.  But seriously....Bonnie Tyler on top of a canyon?---how did she get down is another question...

The House on fire?

The bad men surrounding her?  

The chorus of lovely ladies in white?

The fast paced fury of the song? (Boy does she need a hero)

Nah.  This song is made complete with the Disco Cowboy in the music video.  That...is fucking epic.

How it could be even more EPICLY AWESOME: White suits+White Horses+Nickle-plated pistols+Damsels in distress=EPICLY AWESOME enough for me.

--Fin--

Rest in Peace

Absolve, we beseech Thee, O Lord,
the soul of Thy servant Sean,
from every bond of sin,
that being raised in the glory of the resurrection,
he may be refreshed among the Saints and Elect.
Through Christ our Lord. 

Amen. 


Sean, I know we didn't always get along, I hope you can forgive me. 


You will be dearly missed by everyone.


Rest in Peace.

The Bandwagon Appeal

Being a sports fans is one of the most unifying experiences that our culture has to offer. Fans of all different shapes, sizes, ages, races, and genders gather together to watch the sport of their choice. And the world of sports has more types of fans than Baskin Robbins has ice cream flavors. For example there are the the trivia guides, or the fans who looks up unique statistics and challenge all of their friends to figure out who accomplished these feats. There are the casual sports fans, or a person who watches sports for recreation without getting too involved with statistics. Also in the world of sports viewing are the super passionate fans who seems to know every inch of ground their team has ever walked on. But out of all of the different types of fans that exist, the single most annoying type of sports fan is the fair weathered fan because of their false commitment to their teams.

(Fair weathered fans are also called fake fans and bandwagon jumpers)

The unholy birth of the fair weathered fans does not have a specific date; however, since the dawn of the internet age, the number of fair weathered fans in the United States alone has shot up like Rafael Palmeiro used to shoot up steroids. Fortunately for the true fans, like the five foot four hight requirement needed to ride all amusement park rides, there are certain qualifications that need to be met in order for people to be considered fair weathered fans. These bandwagon jumpers are the people without a real interest in sports, but as soon as their friends get hyped up about it, they pretend to care too. These fake fans also are incapable of naming eight players on their team without the immediate assistance of their smart phone, computer, or phoning a friend. If you take those three lifelines away from the bandwagon jumpers become nothing more than bumbling idiots. So now that we have identified what a fair weathered fan is, how does one spot them? Actually, they are pretty hard to miss.

 Catching a fair weathered fan in the act of faking their passion for a team is easier than one might think. Fair weathered fans are notoriously unintelligent regarding their team outside of the guys that sports analysts say are playing well. One way in which you can catch these fake fans is by asking them to name about six players on the team they follow in about a fifteen second span; and they need do so without the assistance of a smart phone, computer, or another person. If they can not complete the challenge or if they somehow complete the challenge and a sense of relief seems to come over their face, you have found them out.

Suppose that they complete the first challenge and you still question if they are real fans or not. Then it's on to the next challenge: ask them about how the rest of the league is doing this season. All sports fans keep tabs on how other teams are doing in order to compare their team's performance. For example, Red Sox fans will keep tabs on the Toronto Blue Jays because they play each other tomorrow. But fair weathered fans are oblivious to what is going on in the rest of the league. Suppose a fan starts watching the Boston Bruins playoff run and you question their fandom. Simply ask them to name 4 other teams that made the playoffs: excluding the Bruins and their current opponent (the Vancouver Canucks): without their precious lifelines. If they answer correctly, they are indeed real fans. Fair weathered fans who fail the challenge will get flustered and mad at you for asking them stupid questions.

 Aww did I hurt your feelings fake fan?

Those are the ways to catch the easy prey, now on to the fair weathered fan that is harder to find: the one from a different state who supports your favorite team. Now catching fake fans from another state is slightly harder than calling out your buddy who is spouting malarkey. The reason for this is because not all of them are band wagon jumpers. For example, someone who grew up in Atlanta, but moved to Texas can still call themselves real Atlanta fans; so long as they can prove they know what they are talking about. That is the only wrinkle, so the fandom tests mentioned above will still weed out the weak. This issue needs to be addressed because of all the fans of the Boston Red Sox that poped up in California after the Sox won the World Series in 2004. Guarantee those fans were not rooting for the Sox for the 86 years that they didn't win the World Series.

Yeah I called you out, what are you going to do about it?

Now it is simple to catch a fair weathered fan, but what if you are interested in sports, but are afraid of being considered fair weathered fan? It is okay to start to get into sports because your friends are, but there is no need to try and know everything right away. You can watch the game with your friends and just enjoy the game. Also, there is nothing wrong with asking questions about rules of sports or what makes one player better than that one; that is simply part of the learning process. Where new fans get into trouble is when they feel the need to prove that they have followed a team longer than someone else. So they over compensate by bookmarking ESPN.com and liking every post that has to do with their friend's team on Facebook. Those actions put them squarely down the path to fair weathered fandom. And nobody likes a fair weathered fan.

By contributing writer: CJ Dudek

12 Songs I've Recently Bought

I should probably rate these, so as to add some kind of a point to this post.

Also, all the copyrights/producing rights/yadda yadda go to the artists and their record companies...this isn't meant to be "stealing" or what not.

12) Fur Lined by How to Destroy Angels

I decided to give Trent Reznor's (of NIN) new band "How to Destroy Angels" a fair chance.

All things considered this song isn't that bad compared to NIN, but I'm going to miss Nine Inch Nails.  I didn't really like any of the other "How to Destroy Angels" songs, so hopefully this will be a short-lived endeavor.

11) A Little Less Conversation (JXL Remix) by Elvis Presley

A classic song with an interesting beat mixed into it.

10) My Girl by The Temptations

Now this is a classic song...and it would be placed a lot higher on the list, but it's far removed from the other genres of music below, thus making it somewhat un-comparable.

9) Scary Monsters and Nice Sprites by Skrillex

This one's alright...but there are definitely better songs out there by Skrillex.

8) Bounce (feat. N.O.R.E.) by MSTRKRFT

Not really sure they had to kill the hot lady at the end of the music video...also, what are they doing at this club? Money laundering?  Confusing video.  But good beat.

7) Barbra Streisand by Duck Sauce

I've never heard of Duck Sauce.  But this is pretty catchy.  The sound is a little bit weird here..but the official music video isnt like the actual song...so...Google/iTunes it up if you want a more exact representation of it.

6) Hold On (Sub Focus Remix) by Rusko

Another musician I've never heard of, but bumped into on iTunes at some point.  Love it or Hate it.

5) Give Me Everything (feat Ne-Yo, Afrojack & Nayer) by Pitbull

Pitbull isn't my favorite artist out there, but he usually does produce good summer hits.

4) Reptile's Theme by Skrillex

I'm a pretty new listener to Skrillex, but this song has a pretty sick beat.  While the original Mortal Kombat theme will always be my go-to for helping me zone out and get through essays, Skrillex's "Reptile's Theme" is pretty boss for the workouts.  "F-F-F-FIGHT"

Perfect Workout Music.

3) Firestarter by The Prodigy

Firestarter is a 1996 international hit by the British band "The Prodigy".  It is a British Punk-Electronic band people...so if you thought the music video was scary/unorthodox, you're more than entitled to go back to listening to Jason Mraz or Dave Matthews. You may have noticed the beginning of the song being played during game 2 or 3 (I forget which) of the Stanley cup (if you watch hockey at all, and you're rooting for the right team-the Bruins).

P.S.  F*ck you Burrows.


2) Scheme by STS9

I've never heard of STS9 until today, when I bought this song.  Apparently STS9 stands for "Sound Tribe Sector 9", and they describe themselves as "post-rock dance music" (this is according to Wikipedia).  Hm.  But yeah-this song really draws you in straight from the beginning (if you into this type of music).  It's almost a little foreboding/dark, but definitely interesting.  I'll have to look into STS9 more in the future.

1) Easy Love by MSTRKRFT

I couldn't show the original music video as it is EXTREMELY INAPPROPRIATE (/slightly weird and gross towards the end...I'll never look at pepto-bismol again the same way).  But for all you rebellious kiddies out there, you can Google it.

--Fin--