8. "Fruit Rudy" Reyes.
Stylish, classy, short shorts, side combed hair, 90s kicks, Ipod tucked in interestingly close to crotch, no shirt. San Francisco meets P-Town?? Wrong. The man was a Force Recon Marine, who had he taken the Army APFT would probably have scored a 5,000. Rudy is fruity alright, but under that soft fruity surface appearance lies a killer death apple ready to shed its seeds into the earth and grow into a freakin Terminator. We love you fruity rudy! Oh ya, and hes married (probably to an absolute babe).
7. Giles Corey
Giles Corey was a farmer from Salem, MA back in the late 1600s. Well... As everyone know Salem was a little absolutely insane back in the day as a whole lot of "you're a witch" finger pointing started happening and people started killing each other for it. As the story goes, back then dudes could be witches too and Giles Corey was accused of being one. The method for getting confessions was to put someone under a board and pile crap on top of them until they were crushed to death, asking for a confession the whole time. As a side note, I'd prefer to be waterboarded, but anyways... as the picture shows, each time Giles Corey was asked for a confession, all he had to say to those unfortunately dressed religious fanatics was "more weight" as they piled, well, "more weight" onto him. Mr. Corey "more weighted" himself to death, as those two words were all he uttered for 3 days while he was literally pressed to death. Bravo, Sir, superhooah!
6. John "Liver Eating" Johnson
John "Liver Eating" Johnson (aka Robert Redford in Jeremiah Johnson) was a settler who moved out to Montana in the 1840s. This guy and his wife were living peacefully in a log cabin when one day, while he was out hunting, a bunch of Crow Indians came around and decided to kill his pregnant wife in his cabin. Well, bad call because this guy was actually internally a crazy motherf**ker and decided to become a serial killer of Crow Indians. Basically after that he became an all-out woodsman for 25 years and dedicated himself to not only hunting down Crow Indians, but when he caught and killed them he would eat their livers, thus the nickname "Liver Eating Johnson". This guy had one helluva stomach and a shitload of livers by the time he was done, as he would eventually kill no less than 300 Crow Indians by himself and eat their livers (Jesus Christ.).
5. John Basilone
Most of us have seen "The Pacific" so I'll keep this one short. John Basilone was the reason why his unit was not overrun at Henderson Field on Guadalcanal during the Second World War and instead repelled (aka killed) every last man of an entire Japanese Regiment, which FYI would be as many as 5,000 men. He ran back and forth between firing positions all night, carrying a 100 pound machine gun that was burning his hands because it was water cooled and they had no water left, and left a fresh pile of Japanese corpses at every position he visited that night, keeping the lines from being overrun. John Basilone would be one of the rare men to receive a Medal of Honor without dying in the act. When he became tired of doing bond tours and training back home, he asked to go back to the Pacific and died at Iwo Jima. John Basilone chose to be with his brothers-in-arms rather than call it quits in the War, which he could have done and he deserved it, and for that superhooahness he paid the ultimate price. Hats off to you, John Basilone.
4. Samuel Whittemore
A Revolutionary War badass here, and not Nathaniel Hale. Captain Whittemore was 80 years old and a veteran of two wars when he spotted as many as 5,000 Redcoats, marching back to Boston following the Battle of Lexington Green and decided to attack, ALONE. After discharging every firearm he had at the British (he got off 5 shots) he charged them with a saber. Even for a badass like him the odds were no good and he was shot in the head and bayoneted 13 times. Understandably the Brits left this EPW for dead but when he was eventually found by the first colonials to come along hours later, he was sitting in a pool of blood trying to reload his muskets. He survived, recovered, and lived to be almost 100 years old, one of Massachusetts' most superhooah heroes.
3.Gaius Marius
This guy was the "Before Christ" version of Universal Soldier. He was a Centurion who ate with his men and all that sort of classic leadership stuff and was famous for not showing any signs that he was in pain during the multiple no-anesthetic surgeries he had to undergo for his wounds sustained while murdering barbarians on the Roman frontier. He decided, unlike most badasses, that the most badass thing he could do was run for public office, which he was able to obtain with great success by ripping his shirt off and showing all his scars at political rallies: "Plebes dig scars!!" <- note the first combo Roman/Lax Bro joke ever. He eventually decided to run for Consul, the Roman equivalent of Speaker of the House, and when he won he decided to ruin the lives of everyone who'd ever given him shit, including his ex-commander who was skeptical of his political ambitions. After sacking said General he stole his place and became commander of his legions, after which he decided to conquer Africa and redesign the entire model of the Roman Army into the death-dealing machine of decadent destruction that we know it as. Then, barbarians started f**king up Romans in Germany, so he hauled ass across the Mediterranean, stopped for a short parade in Rome, and then with his 40,000 men, proceeded to murder (in battle) 400,000 Teuton barbarians, yes thats 10:1 odds, and lost only 2,000 men. A decade later Rome was in trouble again from foreign invasion and when Marius went and fixed that shit, Sulla, a local rich Roman d-bag decided to take over Rome. Marius wasn't really cool with this so he marched back to Rome, murdered a bunch of people, and appointed himself Consul for the 7th time, a Roman all-time record. He then had a stroke and died, even so...superhooah.
2. Buford Pusser
Ya... This guy was like "Robocop" without the "Robo". Yes, you're right, that just makes him "cop", and he was just that, the most badass police officer of all time. Sheriff Pusser was not a fan of alcohol and gambling and decided to run for sheriff and clean up the entire county, with a giant wooden pole that he beat transgressors to death with. He was depicted by The Rock in "Walking Tall", who when compared to the real man that was Buford Pusser, looked like an absolute pussy. When he was elected to Sheriff on this platform on cleaning the region up, thugs under a regional crime lord murdered his wife. Bent on revenge, Buford Pusser undertook a project of mayhemic policing that eventually brought down the drug, gambling, moonshine industry in his county. During that time he killed lots of bad dudes but more impressively he was himself stabbed 9 times and shot 7 times, which he survived, over the course of 6 years and despite all of these attacks and death threats, he was famous for working alone! His numbers may not be as impressive as all the other guys on this list but just imagine this one guy driving around his county alone, getting constantly attacked, and beating criminals to death literally with a giant wooden pole. Whadathug. This superhooah character's car was eventually sabotaged and he died when he was ejected from his vehicle in the accident that followed. I guess when you've taken as much shit as him, seatbelts are low on the priority list.
1. Giuseppe Garibaldi
Now this was one helluva badass Italian. Garibaldi (as he is known) was basically a professional soldier, but not like a Blackwater mercenary or something, but a dude who just roamed around the world fighting for causes that he believed in just because he thought it was right! Garibaldi originally started as a revolutionary in Italy, but was banished and fled to France. France must've been boring for the 19th century Gibsillisenneger (that would be the mythical combination: Gibson/Willis/Schwarzenegger) because next time he popped up he was in Brazil, leading a company of rebels in the successful fight for Brazilian Independence. This wasn't good enough for Garibaldi, who then went on to fight in Uruguay as an Admiral, sacked a city in Argentina, went back to Italy to fight against Austria, France, Naples, and Spain, then went back to liberate Peru, shortly became a commercial shipper who ran trips between Boston and India, then returned back to Italy and singlehandedly unified it (yep the whole nation, look it up), and then handed control over to another man so he could go North and fight for the Prussians in the Franco-Prussian War. Christ. If that wasn't enough, he was offered a commission as a Major General by Abraham Lincoln to fight in the American Civil War but said he would only fight if he was made Commander-in-Chief and could declare definitively that the war was against slavery. This man had balls. Oh ya, and I almost forget, he also had 2 wives and 10 children. Superhooah FTW.
Contributer- Dominick Healey
