A Quick and Easy Guide to a Run Down of the BroNation.

I didn't feel like writing a proper introduction to this.  Basically-I watched the iconic blast from the past that is "My New Haircut" (see below) on Youtube recently, and began to think about 'Bro' statuses that me and my friends from school throw around a lot. *Strong Language Used Kiddies*

Basically, here's a brief rundown of everything you need to know about the BroNation on the East Coast.

Bras

These are you're foreign bros, or if you just want to make fun of Leonardo Dicaprio in 'Blood Diamond', a regular bro.

Bro

 

Fig. 1A: The Bro that everybody loves.

"Bro" can refer to a plethora of definitions.  Depending on what kind of Bro you are, you're either a loyal friend doing the right thing (ie. you're being a Bro), or you are colossal turd face who pisses the majority of people off with your obnoxious antics (Lax or Hockey Bro).  The word "Bro" followed by a nomenclature (ex. BroboCop), is not to be confused with the sweeping generalizations of terms like "Hockey Bros" or "Lax Bros".  

Normally, "Bro" by itself is not a bad status.  One is usually labeled as a 'Bro' through their dress code--which usually revolves around unlaced Tims underneath sweatpants and a Varsity sport Sweatshirt.  You will also own a straight brim baseball cap if you're a Bro.  None of these things are bad.

If you receive the status of a Hockey or a Lax Bro however, chances are you're a D-Bag.  You don't necessarily have to play these sports in order to be considered one of these types of Bros.  As long as you have long hair, hook up with girls who are wasted when you're sober, have an extremely big mouth but no cannolis to back it up, and you're generally perceived to be a prick, then congratulations! You've received the title of Hockey and or Lax Bro.

Now don't be offended if you play these sports and you are, in fact, not a walking gaggle-fuck.  You'll be assigned to the rare breed of Bros from these sports who are not referred to as a Hockey or Lax bro...you'll just be 'that kid that plays Hockey (or Lax) but isn't a flaming bag of shit.'--Btws ADL and GSA Trolls...when I say "flaming bag of shit", I mean a literal bag of shit that is on fire...thats not a homosexual bash, and I shouldn't have to explain that (but there are a lot of PC-loving morons out there).

If you play Football-you're just a Bro.  If you follow the stead of a classic stereotypical Hockey/Lax Bro, you are not referred to as a Hockey/Lax Bro.  In that case, you'll just be referred to as a D-Bag.

Fig. 1B: A D-Bag (if you're a nerd).

BroboCop

BroboCop is a pretty cool guy...and despite having 'Cop' attached to his Bro status, he's not a complete stiff like Brosef Goebbels (see below).  In fact, BroboCop is a boss.  He takes after Robocop in the fact that he's a complete badass.  Contrary to popular belief (this being urban dictionary), BroboCop is not an asshole.  His moral code usually belongs only to himself, and thats found to be pretty respectable amongst your peers.

Keep in mind though, you cant vote yourself in as as a BroboCop-its a status that has to be voted in by your brochachos (see below).

Brochacho

Your normal friends, synonymous with Brosef and Broski.

Brohammed Ali (somewhat synonymous with Brotein Shake)

Reserved for that tapped workout nut. If you're a Brotein Shake, you're on roids and have temper tantrums over minor problems.

Ronnie Coleman is a Brohammed Ali because he is tapped, but still cool.

This guy is a Brotein Shake. 

Brosef Goebbels

A Brosef Goebbels is a complete and utter stiff.  While the illustrious title of a Hockey/Lax Bro is usually reserved for individuals outside of your friend group, Brosef Goebbels is the D-Bag that's within your friend group.  He either mothers you, or thinks that he knows best about a situation that he's never even experienced first hand.  He is a total smartass, and thus finds it enjoyable to run academic circles around your head because he thinks he's smarter than you.  Regardless of his Deuschbaggery, you'll always have the satisfactory knowledge that he doesn't: Most people consider him a total toolbag.

A Brosef Goebbels could not pull this off. This would be more like the work of the Brosef Stalin (see below).

Brosef Stalin

Surprisingly enough, Brosef Stalin has nothing to do with Communist beliefs or anti-Western doctrine.  A Brosef Stalin is also held in a much higher regard than Brosef Goebbels.  Why? Because Brosef Stalin is fucking crazy.  In a good way of course.  He's probably the party-hound that has all of the legendary stories,  he's not a wimp by any standard, and people wont even consider fighting him as he has the reputation of being completely tapped.

Broseidon

The top of the Bro-status list. If you've reached the level of Broseidon, you're considered a God amongst men.  A Broseidon finds time to make even the crapiest crapshoot of parties seem like a sophisticated wine-tasting event and is a complete ladies man.

--Fin--