However, for all the normal people out there (normal meaning god knows what), here is your guide to one one the more harrowing and important aspects of Freshman year, dorm living.
PART 1: False Stereotypes
Unless you are some sort of uptight prick with no personality, these cookie cutter images that you've been made to believe are the pillars of the college experience will not ring true:
"I installed a shitload of bookcases and bulletin boards in my room because I'm a learned intellectual with excellent organizational skills!!"
"If everything in my room isn't indicative of the school that I am currently attending I will be judged for my lack of collegiate pride!"
"I will be a member of a professional, clean, and diverse community!"
" I have to cover every square inch of my walls with intellectually stimulating symbols of culture that typify my youthful obsession with adventurism and rejection of mainstream icons"
Well SHIT! If you don't fit within one of these moulds you'll probably be an outcast at school and thus the pariah of your dorm, right? WRONG.
PART 2: True Stereotypes
Some "All-In-One" Words to describe a Freshman college dorm: Zoo, Mess, Playground, Battlefield, Inner City Community Center, Communist Apartment Block, Social Experiment.
"Pregame in 207, 8 o'clock"
Social experiment is the major buzzword to describe a Freshman College Dorm. Why? Its the first time most of the kids in the dorm have lived without their parents hovering over them, so the effect of removing their parents from the equations on some of them is similar to what happens when you remove the cap off of a full bottle of coke that you were using as a soccer ball. Here are some characters you will typically meet in your average college dorm.
1. The computer nerd kid that never sleeps.
"Turn the lights off? Its only 4am, you pussy."
2. The kid who thinks every girl in the dorm wants to jump on him while hes showering. Spoiler alert: He never gets any!
"Was that an earthquake or did you just rock my world?"
3. The kids who blast techno and drink Smirnoff Ice until 3am every day of the week. Spoiler Alert #2: They probably won't be back sophomore year!
"Who drew on you? I think it was some kid from another dorm"
4. The crazy political kid, whether that be "Free Gaza" or "Glen Beck Rally".
Ya, Keep the tape on and we'll do whatever the f*ck you want.
Part 3: Own Your Shit, TOP FIVE
This is the last part, and the part where we will take a brief break from the attempts at humor to list out the absolute essential Top Five No-Nos of dorm living which must be followed at all costs.
5. Don't puke in the sink. Do not be that D-bag (and there always is one) who pukes in the damn sink. The sink is not a toilet. A toilet takes a golf ball sized object to clog it, but a sink requires only the slightest solid object (i.e. last nights dinner) to clog up. That means that when you puke in the sink on a Friday night and neither you nor the cleaning crew (that comes in on Monday morning) cleans it up, your stinky body stomach filth will fester in the sinks that everyone relies on all weekend, don't be that guy.
4. On a similar note, handle your booze or don't drink. I'm not saying that you can't get drunk or that you shouldn't drink, it is college after all, but don't drink so much that you're holding a floor meeting to tell about the crippling PTSD you acquired from "your first time" or puking off the side of your bed.
3. Cut down on the loud noises after 12. Some people are trying to sleep and you blasting Skrillex on your $2,000 speaker at 120 dB at 3 in the morning is enough to make sleeping beauty arise and beat your ass to death with your subwoofer.
2. Don't be a dick, especially not in the first few weeks of school. Remember those kids in High School who thought they were uber-popular but were in reality really disliked by everyone but were tolerated because they ran with "the cool crowd"? Guess what, in college they're treated like the losers that everyone knows they are. Just as you wouldn't bring the Middle School attitude into High School, don't bring the High School attitude into College. Nobody will like a well-poisoner in a new environment.
\1. AT ALL COSTS: Stay away from the CRAZIES. Look back to Mr. Smoot's post for the levels of craziness for reference on this. Four crazy classes A,B,C,D : Stay away from all of them. Crazies will ruin your life, they will: cling, sabotage, annoy, destroy, misinterpret, damage, poison, undermine, manipulate, and creep you the F*** out. Crazies should be treated like Black Holes: although you can't really see them and don't understand them, all you know is that they are BAD NEWS IN A BAD WAY and must be AVOIDED AT ALL COSTS.
Full Circle!!
That'll be all girls, enjoy freshman year.
