Enough of the Racket

           Andy Roddick’s racket bears the weight of a five ton sledgehammer. Not because he has not won a major in nine years, but because he held the title of America’s best in tennis.

            Now, it appears that the weight of expectations has finally proved to be too much for Roddick. The former U.S. Open winner will retire at the end of this major; the one that made him famous.

            When Roddick hoisted the U.S. Open Trophy in 2003, he also held the future ofU.S. tennis in his grasp. Roddick was supposed to carry the torch of American tennis  Andre Agassi and John McEnroe once held. He certainly was talented enough.

In his prime Roddick was quite good. His serve went from zero to 155 miles per hour at the bat of an eyelash. His slices cut through the hard surfaces of the RCA Championship, the Canadian Masters, and the other 30 tournaments he won.

Yet in an era of legends, quite good was never good enough. Roger Federer won more majors than any other tennis player in history. When Federer didn’t win, his rival Rafael Nadal did. When Nadal didn’t win, Novak Djokovic did. Despite Roddick’s talent, one man’s good is not enough to best another man’s great.

There were not enough major titles for Roddick once Federer, Nadal, and Djokovic started reeling them in. Sure Roddick is 5-4 career against Djokovic, yet the Serbian has five major titles at age 25 compared to Roddick’s 1 at age 30.

            As for Nadal, Roddick is 3-7 all time against the Spaniard. Nadal also has ten more majors than Roddick; and they have both been playing for 13 years.

The closest Roddick ever came to besting one of the three giants of the game was in the titanic Wimbledon Final against Roger Federer in 2009. In that four hour slugfest, Roddick’s serve was broken only once; for the championship point that gave Federer more majors than anyone else.

Roddick was never able to reach the plateau of greatness that the three kings occupy today. Yet that is not his fault. There are other good athletes that are overshadowed by great ones.

Golf’s sentimental favorite is the perfect example. Phil Mickelson is a very good golfer with four major titles. However, for the better part of the new millennium, he has had to carry Tiger Wood’s jock strap; just like the rest of the field. It’s nobody’s fault, it was just Tiger was so great for so long.

Roddick suffers the same fate as lefty. His really good play was overshadowed by the greatness of others. Both Mickelson and Roddick both have emptier trophy cases because of greater players. Neither of them is at fault for winning more because really good does not beat great in the world of sports.

This summer will end with Roddick hanging up his racket. Even though Roddick will always be remembered for how he lost, A-Rod will never forget that glorious day in 2003 when greatness was his. 

The Cherington-Colletti Conversation

            (Phone rings)

Ned Colletti, General Manager of the Los Angeles Dodgers: Hello?

Ben Cherington, General Manager of the Boston Red Sox: Ned! Hey it’s great to hear your voice. How is business?

Colletti: Oh it’s pretty good. We are one and a half games out of the Wild Card race. We have the second lowest Earned Run Average in the National League and have given up the second fewest hits in the NL. The offense isn’t looking too good though…

Cherington: What about your deals for Shane Victorino and Hanley Ramirez at the trade deadline?

Colletti: Well Hanley has been good for us, but we are still hitting .251 as a team. Victorino has been awful for us. He has one homer and seven runs batted in as a Dodger. And we are paying him nine million bucks. I can’t wait until he leaves town.

Cherington: Sounds like you need a bat.

Colletti: What did you have in mind?

Cherington: Well as you know, we put Adrian Gonzalez on waivers recently…

Colletti: We’ll take him!

Cherington: Glad to see you are interested. Now let’s make a deal shall we?

Colletti: Okay Howie. What do you want?

Cherington: So you know that De La Rosa kid? How about him and two other prospects for Gonzalez?

Colletti: Three prospects for Gonzalez? Come on Ben you can do better than that. Gonzalez is hitting .212 at Dodger Stadium for his career. You can give me a little more than that.

Cherington: Okay. Then how about we take James Loney off your hands?

Colletti: Go on…

Cherington: Great it’s settled! We give you Gonzalez, Carl Crawford, Josh Beckett, and Nick Punto for Loney and three prospects.

Colletti: Sounds go…WHAT?!?!?! How did Crawford and Beckett get in there? I’m okay with you trying to sneak Punto by me. Punto is about as exciting as vanilla ice cream, but he is harmless as a player. Did you fall out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down?

Cherington: Hey, you need offense. I’m offering you offense.

Colletti: Carl Crawford’s three homers and 19 runs batted in is not offense. Not to mention that he needs Tommy John surgery; like the rest of your team. What do you guys get a discount for every player on your team who needs Tommy John surgery?

As for Beckett, you have got to be off your rocker! He is 5-11 with a 5.39 ERA. Chris Capuano has a lower ERA and more wins. Not to mention Beckett makes Simon Cowell look like Mr. Rogers.

I have seen some stupid offers in my day, but this is the king of them all. You are offering us two guys who each make over 100 million bucks; meanwhile only one of them has been remotely productive. And your starter would make our rotation worse just by showing up.

Now if you wanted to eat a lot of the money for this…

Cherington: Actually that is the other thing. It would be so great if you guys ate most of the money…

Colletti: YOU’VE GOT TO BE SH*@!*&^ ME!! So let me get this straight. You want us to eat 249 million dollars and give you one of our best prospects?! Stick your offer where the sun don’t shine! This is not a video game Ben. This is baseball!

Did  your sports talk radio listeners call and tell you to make me this offer? Well I’ve got news for you. Ned Colletti is no fool. Good day to you sir!

Cherington: Ned wait…

Colletti: I SAID GOOD DAY SIR!!

(click)

(20 minutes later)

Colletti: Ben your guys are willing to waive their no trade clauses right…

Cherington: Of course!!!(*coughs) I mean, of course. What made you change your mind?

Colletti: Ownership thinks that we need big named, low production players in order to bring back the L.A. Dodgers brand.

They said that the fans will be so blinded by the number of big names coming in that they will overlook the awful seasons and contracts.

Cherington: Sounds great. I will get the paper work started right away.

(click)

Colletti: Get me a glass of bourbon and keep them coming. I’m going to need a lot of them to make me forget I made this deal. 

Best Worst Movie: "Nazis at the Center of the Earth" (2012)

2012.

The year that brought us current greats like The Avengers, The Dark Knight Rises, and Prometheus.


It also brought us Nazis at the Center of the Earth; a dung the size of Jupiter set ablaze with the fire of a thousand suns.

If you are anything like me, and genuinely enjoy watching horrible movies for an easy laugh; this is the movie for you.

Nazis at the Center of the Earth features a multitude of exceptional topics that combine to form comedy gold: Nazis, horrible CGI, brutal acting, terrible writing, God-awful subtitles, a resurrected Robot-Hitler and so much more.

So what's the plot?

If you didn't watch the trailer above (by clicking the movie title), you can assume that there are Nazis.......under the surface of the Earth.  Without the trailer the title is somewhat misleading however; I thought I'd be witnessing a mixture of "Journey to the Center of the Earth" (the classic original one of course) with a silly Nazi twist.

The title should instead read Nazis Under Antarctica, which certainly doesn't sound as cool, but conveys the plot a lot better.

Basically...there's a group of researchers in Antarctica that, while drilling for some science-y type shenanigans in the ice, come across the remnants of a Nazi plane, the same plane that was shown in the beginning of the movie as flying off with some important technology at the end of WWII.

First of all....the snow here is hilarious. Its practically cotton balls, while the background is a blank white screen.  No skyline...no snow falling..just a white backdrop.

Not to mention excellent cold-weather gear. (Source)

The heavy-duty ice drill in question? It supposedly goes down quite an amount of feet  in the ice until it hits the plane, prompting the two researchers operating it to stop it immediately.  But the scientists need only to wipe away one inch of  snow until they come across the swastika-covered tail of the plane!  Wouldn't that be something you would have noticed immediately when trying to dig an initial groove for the drill to slip into?

Anyway I digress. After finding the plane the two scientists get captured by Nazis wearing old gas-masks, and dragged into a cavern.  The same cavern, in turn, is easily found by the other team of scientists through the footprints and drag marks the Nazis left behind.

Because the words "subtle" and "Nazi" are never placed in the same sentence. (Source)

Long story short, underneath the ice is a terra-formed tropical paradise that holds an Army of Nazis lead by none other than Dr. Mengele, or the Auschwitz "Angel of Death" who should have died in the 1970s.

Taking Europe while fighting a double front would've been easier than achieving this. (Source) 

Needless to say the Nazis have been replacing their dying bodies with the body parts of captured scientists over the years, and they need the group they just captured to help finalize their plans for the revival of Robot-Hitler and the beginning of a new era for the Third Reich.

Some Notable Characters:

Dr. Adrian Reistad (Jake Busey)

(Source)

Ever since Starship Troopers, I've been physically incapable of hating Jake Busey.  Busey is, strangely enough, one of the only main actors in this movie that can be considered an actor in the first place.  The name and the blond hair are dead give-aways, Reistad is a Nazi-sympathizer that has been volunteering his comrades skin and organs to the Nazi's regeneration program for years.

Which, for some reason, must be done while they are still alive. (Source)

Best Line: "You were never squeamish before!"

This is, of course, in reference to his fuck-buddy scientist throwing up after seeing her best friend's brain/spinal cord pulled out of the top of her head.

aka this.

That pales in comparison to her priceless reaction however:

"I'm pregnant.."

(Said baby is subsequently butchered and its stem cells used to  resurrect Robot-Hitler....nobody wins in this movie).

Especially not the CGI department. (Source)

Indian Guy with a Perm (Abderrahim Halaimia)

No, that's not actually his character name.  But this character is hilarious, practically mute, and pretty much just as useless as "Fabio" from Robot Holocaust.

Angela Magliarossa (Maria Pallas)

Basically the only attractive member of the science-team, Angela meets an untimely demise via dispatch-way-of-zombie-rape.

But not before giving the viewers a little "Hey Now!"

Best Part of the Movie: The subtitles.

Why?

Because two semesters of German in college taught me that "Was ist Das?" means "What is that?" and would suggest as such during the scene in question.

The subtitle committee instead, elected for "What's happening?"---marking for a moment of hilarity as it made "Nazi-versus-the-scientist-with-something-intriguing-in-her-hand-trying-to-get-away" seem more like a casual party scene of "Nazi-asks-cute-girl-'What's up? How's everything going? Like the party I'm hosting?'"

Best Line of the Movie: "SHIT A BRICK!!!"

This priceless line comes from an esteemed member of our armed forces when radar picks up the giant-technologically superior-Nazi-flying-saucer bearing down on the rest of the world.

Because Nazi flying saucers truly is a "Shit a brick" moment. (Source)

So how bad is bad?

Craptasticly-Awesome Bad.

See the movie....then thank me later.

On the Ballot, Out of the Hall?

           The illustrious gates of baseball’s sacred shrine are about to be stormed by the game’s demons.

            Barry Bonds, Sammy Sosa, Roger Clemens headline next year’s potential Hall of Fame inductees. These men also have been the big names of the steroid era in baseball and its blackened legacy.

            The question of what to do with the poster children of cheating has to be answered by 25 to 40 baseball writers. They can no longer bury the steroid issue, for it has now resurfaced in front of the game’s holy shrine.

            Whether baseball’s electoral college likes it or not, the Hall of Fame class of 2013 will set a precedent for what to do with players from the steroid era.  

There are realistically three roads that the Baseball Writers Association of America can take. Yet none of these options will satisfy everybody.

            The first road would be to bar everyone from the hall who is guilty in the court of public opinion. This way, Bonds, Sosa, and Clemens all get turned away and the cheaters stay out.

            However, denying everyone who is suspicious is the most dangerous precedent to set. If the BWAA can deny suspected steroid users, this could lead to the indirect punishment of clean athletes. For example, Jim Thome and his 611 home runs could be left out of Cooperstown because some writers could think ‘there is no way he hit 600 homers without the juice.’ Even though Thome was not listed in the Mitchell Report, Jose Canseco's book, or the 2003 leaked list. 

            The second option would be to let everyone in and count potentially tainted numbers in the record books. This way, Bonds, Sammy Sosa, Mark McGwire, Rafael Palmeiro, Roger Clemens, Garry Sheffield, Alex Rodriguez and others all go toCooperstown based on their career numbers. Yet, the asterisk will forever be linked to the substances these players abused to achieve statistical immortality.

            Still, letting everyone in does not solve the problem either. Writers like Bill Plaschke, and Woody Paige have denounced steroid users and the idea of letting them set foot within 16 blocks of Cooperstown. Besides, the concept of rewarding cheaters in baseball is enough to send the already rabid internet culture into frenzy.  

The consequences of the third road are the least fruitful, yet the fairest. Baseball’s journalists could let people in based on the burden of proof. However, if that is their determining method, Andy Pettitte gets punished for being honest. Meanwhile, Sosa gets enshrined for forgetting how to speak English in front of Congress.

            No matter what the BWAA elects to do their yay or nay vote will be scrutinized. However, they have to vote and determine the precedent for when the rest of the steroid era.

One thing is for sure, the job of Hall of Fame voter will be one of the least desirable positions this time next year.