(Phone rings)
Ned Colletti, General Manager of the Los Angeles
Ben Cherington, General Manager of the Boston
Colletti: Oh it’s pretty good. We are one and a half games out of the Wild Card race. We have the second lowest Earned Run Average in the National League and have given up the second fewest hits in the NL. The offense isn’t looking too good though…
Cherington: What about your deals for Shane Victorino and Hanley Ramirez at the trade deadline?
Colletti: Well Hanley has been good for us, but we are still hitting .251 as a team. Victorino has been awful for us. He has one homer and seven runs batted in as a Dodger. And we are paying him nine million bucks. I can’t wait until he leaves town.
Cherington: Sounds like you need a bat.
Colletti: What did you have in mind?
Cherington: Well as you know, we put Adrian Gonzalez on waivers recently…
Colletti: We’ll take him!
Cherington: Glad to see you are interested. Now let’s make a deal shall we?
Colletti: Okay Howie. What do you want?
Cherington: So you know that De La Rosa kid? How about him and two other prospects for Gonzalez?
Colletti: Three prospects for Gonzalez? Come on Ben you can do better than that. Gonzalez is hitting .212 at Dodger Stadium for his career. You can give me a little more than that.
Cherington: Okay. Then how about we take James Loney off your hands?
Colletti: Go on…
Cherington: Great it’s settled! We give you Gonzalez, Carl Crawford, Josh Beckett, and Nick Punto for Loney and three prospects.
Colletti: Sounds go…WHAT?!?!?! How did Crawford and Beckett get in there? I’m okay with you trying to sneak Punto by me. Punto is about as exciting as vanilla ice cream, but he is harmless as a player. Did you fall out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down?
Cherington: Hey, you need offense. I’m offering you offense.
Colletti: Carl Crawford’s three homers and 19 runs batted in is not offense. Not to mention that he needs Tommy John surgery; like the rest of your team. What do you guys get a discount for every player on your team who needs Tommy John surgery?
As for Beckett, you have got to be off your rocker! He is 5-11 with a 5.39 ERA. Chris Capuano has a lower ERA and more wins. Not to mention Beckett makes Simon Cowell look like Mr. Rogers.
I have seen some stupid offers in my day, but this is the king of them all. You are offering us two guys who each make over 100 million bucks; meanwhile only one of them has been remotely productive. And your starter would make our rotation worse just by showing up.
Now if you wanted to eat a lot of the money for this…
Cherington: Actually that is the other thing. It would be so great if you guys ate most of the money…
Colletti: YOU’VE GOT TO BE SH*@!*&^ ME!! So let me get this straight. You want us to eat 249 million dollars and give you one of our best prospects?! Stick your offer where the sun don’t shine! This is not a video game Ben. This is baseball!
Did your sports talk radio listeners call and tell you to make me this offer? Well I’ve got news for you. Ned Colletti is no fool. Good day to you sir!
Cherington: Ned wait…
Colletti: I SAID GOOD DAY SIR!!
(click)
(20 minutes later)
Colletti: Ben your guys are willing to waive their no trade clauses right…
Cherington: Of course!!!(*coughs) I mean, of course. What made you change your mind?
Colletti: Ownership thinks that we need big named, low production players in order to bring back the L.A.
They said that the fans will be so blinded by the number of big names coming in that they will overlook the awful seasons and contracts.
Cherington: Sounds great. I will get the paper work started right away.
(click)
Colletti: Get me a glass of bourbon and keep them coming. I’m going to need a lot of them to make me forget I made this deal.
