The Grog. The famous pastime ritual at Army Dining In Ceremonies. That deliciously disgusting assortment of hot sauce, fruit punch, water, bacon bites, mini-donuts, marshmallows, butter and, yes, a sock. This is my Grog. My random outlook on the world. Expect only the unexpected.
Embrace your random side.
Welcome to The Grog.
The Ultimate Bond Review Part I: The Bad Guys (continued)
Ehhmmm...yeah I've been off of this thing for a while..I discovered Netflix online and have been watching a plethora of C+ "so bad they're good" action films...so I was a tad bit distracted.
Anyway. First post of 2011 I suppose. Getting back to the continuation of the Ultimate Review Part Uno...
The Top 10 Femme Fatales of Bond
*For the record..this is not a list according to looks..I focused more on the characters overall effectiveness towards the plot. For instance....#10? The movie probably would have been better off with her left out.
#10 Rosie Carver (Live and Let Die)
This lady was just silly. For a CIA double agent loyal to the villain in Live and Let Die (Dr. Kananga) she really isn't intimidating in the least. I'm not quite sure why this character was even conceived...she's not exactly memorable in the series, as she bumbles around and screams at a) a spider and b) a hat...a voodoo hat. Bond ultimately confronts and threatens Rosie after a picnic love-sesh in the jungle (which seems to be extremely weird timing), but she doesn't die at the hands of Bond. Instead...a remote controlled gun eliminates her with a single shot from a scarecrow's mouth. Yes. You did hear me correctly.
Overall Effectiveness: F
#9 Helga Brandt (You Only Live Twice)
An agent of the nefariously evil organization SPECTRE, Helga Brandt is famously known for her terrible assassination plots and prettyyyy nasty death. Bond is captured at one point during the film, and faces the threat of torture. Now, of course, Helga is one of the rare breed of contract-killer women who likes to mix business with pleasure. So it's only natural that the only option on the table for Helga is to delay in killing her target, and hop into to bed with Bond after lying that she would switch sides and fly him back to Tokyo....After which of course, she instead restrains him in his seat, and jumps out of the plane with a parachute. Really? Obviously this plan turned into an epic failure when Bond managed to preform an emergency landing of the plane and escaped. Thankfully somebody other than me, Brandt's boss-Mr. Blofeld himself, picked up on how absurd this idea was and fed her to a gigantic pool of piranhas. Nastyy.
Overall Effectiveness: D
#8 Naomi (The Spy Who Loved Me)
Another enthusiast in trying to kill anything in aircraft and miserably failing: the short lived character Naomi from The Spy Who Loved Me. Evil organizations hell-bent on world domination truly do appear to simply brush over marksmanship in their training manuals. Helicopter? Check. Machine Guns? Check. Air Superiority? Yup. Being able to hit the broad-side of a barn within 100 feet? A big fat negatory. Naomi's incompetence in simple ballistic physics and firearm engineering leads to Bond gaining the upper hand. Land-to-Air Missle? Game over. Check it out at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hZFChW3hljI
Overall Effectiveness: D
#7 Elektra King (The World is Not Enough)
Elektra King marks the beginning of what I perceive to be as real threats to Bond on his missions. As explained above, Rosie, Helga and Naomi were all incompetent agents assigned with the task of eliminating the famous Brit. Where Elektra (and the next couple of girls) differ from those above is that they are not just used as scene fillers, but rather hold a real potential for malice that weaves into the plot.
Plain and simple, this lady is a real jerk. She's fallen in love with the terrorist Renard (who wants to create a nuclear meltdown in a submarine and kill thousands of people as a result) and kills her own father with a bomb! Then, she plays the role of the fearing victim for James..who of course..cant find a better place to protect her other than in bed. King gets so close to Bond that she is able to kidnap M and and have her men kill some British agents along the way. Gaining a little too much hubris from her own cunning and wit, she attempts to win over James one more time as she taunts him that he can't, and won't shoot her unarmed. Whoopsie on that judgement call...she gets a bullet to the head.
Overall Effectiveness: B
#6 Cigar Girl (The World Is Not Enough)
Cigar Girl. Yup. That's the only name for this character. While a minor and short-lived character, this girl certainly can open up a can of whup-ass, edging out her counterpart, main character Elektra for the #6 spot. While Elektra is certainly good at the cloak and dagger, let's face it, Bond movie's are really all about the action (The exceptions being the new movies with Daniel Craig...zing!). Cigar Girl sets up the first action sequence for the movie and wreaks some havoc along the way, assassinating a banker and fending off Bond in a boat. It's these physical feats that set her apart from King, and line her up with the rest of the girls below. Plus, it takes some serious guts to blow yourself up in a hot-air balloon...talk about a way to go. Thankfully some ingenious bastard whipped up the whole movie on Youtube. Parts 1 and 2 are below (Cigar girl meets her demise in the middle of Part 2).
Overall Effectiveness: B-
#5 Miranda Frost (Die Another Day)
Coming in at a notable #5 is Miranda Frost, a.....gasp...double agent??? Fortunately she's a lot more effective than Rosie Carver, and definitely a lot more convincing. The only down point to Frost is that she's in a terrible movie, which limits the character's chance to shine as a legitimate bad guy. Although now that I think of it, it makes total sense why she'd much rather spend her time with a North Korean mastermind...in a genetically altered body so he's now British...who has a diamond face friend...and owns a gigantic sun laser satellite...(this is sarcasm). Ohhhh the writers of Die Another Day.
Overall Effectiveness: B-
#4 May Day (A View To A Kill)
May Day. The genetically altered, steroid eating, intimidating and killer product of Nazi experimentation. Now this lady, was a formidable opponent. Of course, sociopaths in the Bond franchise have been known to become a little curious about their supposed prey and May Day is not an exception, getting to know her enemy a littttttle to closely under the sheets. Ugh. How cliche. Where May Day does differ from the other Femme Fatales of the franchise however lays with her loyalty. She ultimately does in fact, switch sides, and saves Silicon Valley with an ultimate sacrifice (removing the bomb that was supposed to create an earthquake which would level the valley and getting blown up by it).
Overall Effectiveness: B+
#3 Fiona Volpe (Thunderball)
If Helga Brandt had a brain, her name would be Fiona Volpe. This girl earns the right to be called an assassin. A SPECTRE Agent in charge of executing (literally) the plan to steal two nuclear bombs from a NATO plane and use them to blackmail money out of British leadership, Volpe is a dangerous girl. Much like Helga, (and Cats...but maybe not lolz cats) Volpe likes to play with her food before she eats it. And no...I do not mean in the literal sense that there is a scene in the movie where she actually sculpts a statue out of mashed potatoes. The actress, Luciana Palluzzi, actually does a very convincing job on creating an image of a black widow hitwoman-this is probably one of the more serious femme fatales in the 007 franchise. As for her demise, karma can be a real bitch. As Volpe attempts to lure Bond into a kill zone on a crowded dance floor, Bond grabs a hold of her and begins to dance...all the while looking out for her SPECTRE execution squad. As he spins her around, a bullet meant for him strikes her in the back, killing her instantly.
I could think of nothing witty to say at the end about the dangers of dancing.
Overall Effectiveness: A-
#2 Xenia Onatopp (Goldeneye)
This girl has some killer legs.
No seriously....she kills men with her legs. Probably the most daring character in the Bond franchise, Xenia was a complete nutcase. I'd probably have to say Goldeneye is my favorite Bond film, because it offers one of the more realistic plots, a new Bond (that was Bronson's debut film) and some bamf new baddies. In terms of a personal danger to Bond, I dont think he's ever been more vulnerable in any other film. Bond's weakness is women in his bed. Xenia kills the men she sleeps with...in the act of sleeping with them. This is a huge difference from previous villains like Helga Brandt/Fiona Volpe who waited until after sleeping with their targets for the kill. In fact, Xenia cant seem to find pleasure in anything other than killing-she gets an orgasm when mowing down unarmed computer techies in one of the opening scenes. That's pretty fucked up. It's this sick sense of pleasure that leads to her downfall however-she has an AK-74 on her back...I'm not sure why she didnt just use that to shoot Bond..but nahhhh that'd be too easy, so she goes back to leg crushing tactic. Her death is pretty graphic, and its one of the more gross ways to go, so watch on your own risk at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tZDvtqaGW54 (sound quality is kind of bad).
P.S. You've been forewarned its a nasty way to go.
#1 P**** Galore (Goldfinger)
No....I did not choose her for her ridiculous and instantly classic name-She's actually a major part of the plot, and without her, Goldfinger's plans would have succeeded. Galore actually babysits Bond for most of the movie-I recently watched it...and needless to say I was completely bored out of my mind (Yes I know, professional critics of the world...it's a classic and I shouldn't be bored with it). Regardless, the turning of Galore over to the good guy's side is utterly critical. Goldfinger's plan (blowing up Fort Knox with a Nuke) is totally dependent on Galore's flying squad, of equally attractive ladies, crop dusting nerve gas all over the Fort, thus killing the Army service-members surrounding it, leaving the gold supply completely defenseless.
Just try and argue with me on this one...that is a slam-dunk case. Therefore-Galore's overall effectiveness ranks in at an A+
And no. For the the last time it's not because of her name.
Honorable Mention: Rosa Klebb (From Russia With Love)
Alright...now I know you're looking at the photo and thinking...Smooty..please tell me this woman did not seduce Bond. She didn't. Let me explain. Klebb.....is an honorable mention. She never slept with Bond, but she wasn't in the Top 15 Bad Guys list either....so I felt I had to put her in somewhere. Klebb sets up Bond through an elaborate SPECTRE plot, and is famous for the favorite poisonous-dagger-hidden-in-my-shoe method of attack. Long story short it doesn't work. Blah blah blah blah blah....I know I could've been more specific but these things take way to long to write.
