The Grog. The famous pastime ritual at Army Dining In Ceremonies. That deliciously disgusting assortment of hot sauce, fruit punch, water, bacon bites, mini-donuts, marshmallows, butter and, yes, a sock. This is my Grog. My random outlook on the world. Expect only the unexpected.
Embrace your random side.
Welcome to The Grog.
Alright so this was forwarded to me by two of my friends, one of whom is going into Army ROTC next year at Indiana U, and the other is enlisting in the Navy to try and become a Navy SEAL (hooyah). You'll definitely be feeling these workouts the next day.
The workout sets are called "Special Forces conditioning", and it should push you towards eventually getting higher reps on pullups, pushups and situps...I added a little variation to what it was originally.
Currently, I'm doing Viotto's workout (which is in my April post "The Top 10 Things I Never Did in Highschool but Ended up Being Normal for me in College"), with these 3 workouts being sprinkled in along the way.
Go up to 10 pullups, 20 pushups, 30 situps and then back down like every other pryamid workout. You'll end up doing 100 pullups--200 pushups--and 300 situps. Pushups go up in sets of 2 reps, situps in sets of 3. So like for round 1 do: 1 pull up, 2 pushups, 3 situps. Round 2: 2 pullups, 4 pushups, 6 situps, and so on.
On my 10th round I did a special, and switched over to:
Commandos: 5-10
Pushups: 25
Hindus: 25
Side Situps: 10 (each side)
Plank: 1 minute
Workout #3
I've done some variation here too because of the time marker.
This is a good excersise to take a week or two before your PT test, as it'll be pushing you towards muscle fatigue/beyond...so dont take it the day before an APFT....word of the wise.
--Reccomended to be done only once in a week--
Pullups: Try to get 100*
Pushups: Try to get 200*
Situps: Try to get 300*
*On muscle fatigue workouts I've been told to try and do these over the course of the day, like in sets of 25, 30 or 50 or whatever you're comfortable with (before breakfast, after breakfast, before lunch, after lunch, etc. etc. etc.) The original workout says to try and get it done within 2 hours.
You'll want to be at a level of physical fitness where you can pass the standards for the Army Physical Fitness Test at any time. Passing score at the utmost minimum (if you are a male) is 42 pushups (in the alotted 2 minutes), 53 situps (in the alotted 2 minutes) and a 15:54 2 mile run.
The minimum score is 180/300. You should be shooting for a 270+....with 300 being the ultimate goal, but you can still go higher than that.
You can calcuate your Army Physical Fitness Test records (or use it to figure out your target goals for each event) at: http://apftcalculator.com/
"I make movies for teenage boys. Oh, dear, what a crime."--Michael Bay
Snobby movie critics need to relax. Either that or Newspapers need to hire several critics which generate a more appropriate view of how a movie is received demographically. Like, hire a teenager who isn't a huge stiff to review a movie....or at least try to give me an accurate representation of whether or not my age group will like the film. I'm tired of listening to crabby old men who graduated with dual majors in English and Journalism bash films which pander to younger audiences.
When I can't get a conclusive review on a film, and I'm unsure whether or not I want to pay money to see it---I have a system.
Chances are, if the New York Times says the movie isn't sophisticated enough for the minds of Shakespearian stiffs who have nothing better to do then sit around and sift through bland 'classical' literature while admiring their framed Master's Degree in English and sampling the "1787 Chateau Lafitte" at their Wine Tasting Event-----I'm going to like the film.
I mean really. I'm looking at the review to see if the plot interests me, not to listen to your opinions on how the whole thing is apparently subconsciously racist and filled to the brim with militaristic propaganda.
Newspapers as a whole don't do a good job of reviewing movies for younger generations. We don't care that you're in the middle of your mid-life crisis and you try to make yourself feel important by bashing films with any ounce of patriotism or over the top action. We aren't pruning raisins with your heavily influenced political outlook on the world.
If you took the time to look at the finer points of general characteristics of young men, as outlined throughout the halls of history and your 'classical' literature, you might realize that we want action, crude jokes, and BAMFness in our films. I've already gotten my spoonful of Olde Victorian Drama thank you. Being forced to watch the "Critically Acclaimed" Jane Austen films or some other incredibly dull and boring crap during my High-School's English Satire class was a mind-numbing experience--I'm pretty sure no matter how glorious you make "Amazing Grace" out to be I'm still going to find it as boring as sh**.
I can certainly agree that I have been deeply moved by some dramatic films over the years, but if we're looking at making a sweeping generalization of what Teenagers-to Young Men want to watch---it's Action.
Say what you will about how action movies making our society breed violence and alpha-male attitudes in young men, or how it gives them a rather cavalier sense of death. I don't need to be told who I am by a narrow minded philosopher whose preaches tolerance but does not practice it. It's either your ideology, or the highway. I'd like to think that a wide number of Americans actually don't all like films that bash America over the head repeatedly with underlying tones of the 19th century Indian (Oh my goodness...pardon me, Native American) forcible removals....or films that portray the troops in a bad light.
On a side tangent, it is beyond annoying when News Media outlets make generalizations about our members of the military as war-mongering baby-killers, but all that talk is put aside when it comes around to our National Holidays--everything stated before that they oversaw and condoned is now irrelevant, and they try to blend into the crowds of just yet more patriotic Americans waving the flag.
I don't like the flip-flopping. I see through the veil, and you're not tricking me. Either support the troops full time, or at least don't try to two-face everyone. Just because one asshole decided to commit a war-crime doesn't mean that the entire military is like said-individual. Don't utilize the military as a pawn that you can bash when politicians you favor find that behavior acceptable. I have a lot more respect for people who stand their ground then jump on and off the bandwagon of conform.
Like Fox News. Is it ridiculously bias and incredibly sided towards conservatives? I'd have to be an idiot to try to defend them there--yes, they are bias and clearly conservative. But it's a nice change in pace to hear a news station not bash our country every 3 seconds. And at least they're open about their political motivations. They don't try to pretend to be something their not, they have views (sometimes extreme ones that I don't agree with) and they stick to them. They don't flip-flop their support for the military or attribute the mistakes of a few to the whole.
Anyway, this somewhat ties into what I was talking about---snobby movie critics. Good films, whether they're produced by Jerry Bruckheimer, or directed by Michael Bay, are made for young men. I'd say that a lot of them are made for patriotic young men. They're made for a specific demographic. This is why its a Pet Peeve of mine that only old farts with an anti-American bias (or anti-Troop/anti-Law Enforcement bias) do movie reviews---in all newspapers, not just the NY Times. Stop whining about how the plot isn't complex enough for you because you logged a ga-zillion credit hours in a useless major that just made you a literary jackass.
Some movies are supposed to have simplistic plots, you don't need to constantly create the next Hamlet.
Take "Law Abiding Citizen" with Gerald Butler and Jaime Foxx for example.
Most of my peers agree that they liked the film. The critics?
"Revenge never seemed so bland" states the Boston Globe. The critics spend more time over-analyzing how Jaime Foxx is "cashing in" on his previous Oscar by playing a part in such an example of "desperate movie making", then they do actually looking at the movie.
Who cares it was simplistic? It had Gerald Butler in it being a bamf...that's all we care about. And that's exactly whats pisses these self-proclaimed intellectuals off so much. How can a movie that isn't seen as a work of art in their eyes make millions of dollars upon opening?
What about other films?
How about the famous "Black Hawk Down"? That must have been received well right?
"The producer Jerry Bruckheimer seems to have been making Ridley Scott movies his entire career, but this is the first time he and Mr. Scott have collaborated. Tony Scott, Mr. Ridley's twin brother, teamed with Mr. Bruckheimer on movies like ''Top Gun,'' the gold -- or rather gold-filled -- standard for incoherent militaristic propaganda."--Elvis Mitchell, NY Times
Because the tale of Black Hawk Down illustrates militaristic propaganda so well....doesn't it? Nothing says join the military more than "watch this 2 hour long extravaganza about a mission that went totally FUBAR".
Or how about this gem of a quote.
"In 'Black Hawk Down,' the lack of characterization converts the Somalis into a pack of snarling dark-skinned beasts, gleefully pulling the Americans from their downed aircraft and stripping them. Intended or not, it reeks of glumly staged racism. The only African-American with lines, Specialist Kurth (Gabriel Casseus), is one of the American soldiers who want to get into the middle of the action; his lines communicate his simplistic gung-ho spirit. His presence in this military action raises questions of racial imbalance that ''Black Hawk Down'' couldn't even be bothered to acknowledge, let alone answer."--Elvis Mitchell, NY Times
Are you serious. Really. The race card? Just because they decided not to characterize A MOB OF HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE. Hey I have a good idea, let's create a back story into 500 people, including artsy flash-backs and flash-forwards into points in their lives...before they dance on top of a downed BlackHawk.
You'd be looking at a 10-hour long film. This is of course "if we bother to acknowledge, let alone answer."
Mr. Mitchell, pull the race card where its warranted, like in a Civil War film or something, not in a movie about a military engagement that had nothing to do with racial conflict. We aren't looking at the race wars of South Africa pal. With Mr. Mitchell's mindset, we should all get upset over how a proper back story wasn't provided for every single member of a mob or riot from any scene in any movie having anything to do with any type of riot.
Alright what about Bad Boys II? That's an awesome action film and has two Black protagonists...
"'Bad Boys II,' in which Mr. Smith and Mr. Lawrence once again play a pair of Miami police detectives named Mike and Marcus, is the latest collaboration between Jerry Bruckheimer, who produced it, and Michael Bay, who directed. (Ron Shelton, director of the much better ''Hollywood Homicide,'' helped write the screenplay.) This one follows in the tradition of the earlier Bruckheimer-Bay pictures -- the first ''Bad Boys,'' ''The Rock,'' ''Armageddon'' and ''Pearl Harbor'' -- all of which made a lot of money and were otherwise pretty much worthless."--A.O. Scott, New York Times
I'll admit that Pearl Harbor sucked. But Hollywood Homicide? That movie SUCKED. "Bad Boys," The Rock" and "Armageddon" were all good films.
What else?
"Quite a bit was clearly spent on the assaultive, bombastic, and occasionally funny spectacle that is ''Bad Boys II.'' Mr. Bay may lack restraint (also taste, wit and shame), but he does have an undeniable flair for sleaze, noise and vulgarity. One of his most impressive feats is to film a nightclub rave scene so that the camera glides under the skirts and between the legs of the women. There is something leering and nasty about this that makes the more pervasive ogling in ''Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle'' seem downright wholesome."--A.O. Scott, New York Times
I've seen the movie. It's night club "rave" scene isn't offensive unless your a feminist. Find me a movie that doesn't have that stuff in it nowadays. There's nothing "nasty" about the club scene. Its about 2 minutes long, unlike your other example, in which success of the film was banking on young guys "ogling" the 3 actresses throughout the entire movie.
You say that Bay lacks taste. Well I guess by association I lack taste as well. As does everyone else who bought a ticket. Which is a lot of people...the movie made millions. Shit....looks like there's a whole lot of tasteless Americans out there.
As long as we're on the subject of "taste", why don't we look at some of the films the New York Times actually enjoyed. (Hint...it's not "Thor")
Wow. Doesn't that seem like a film where the political motivations are obviously clear. Anti-Bush perhaps?
Oh no! It's totally fair says the New York Times.
"Given the tenor of political discussion these days, it is inevitable that someone with a loud voice and a small mind will label 'Rendition' anti-American. (But look! A quick Internet search reveals that some people already have, many of them without even bothering to see the movie.) It is, after all, much easier to rant and rave about treacherous Hollywood liberals than to think through the moral and strategic questions raised by some of the policies of the American government. But it is just these questions that 'Rendition' tries to address, in a manner that, while hardly neutral it may not shock you to learn that the filmmakers come out against torture, kidnapping and other abuses nonetheless tries to be evenhanded and thoughtful."--A.O. Scott, New York Times
So you've started out your article by defending it against the obvious disgust that most Americans had for this film. Okay, not a good start. I've actually seen the film, and it's not fair. It's not a work of art that deserves a good movie rating. What do you know, its a bunch of Hollywood actors jumping on a bandwagon because its a popular thing to do....that's really all it is.
"Rendition may be earnest, but it is hardly naive. Rather, it tries to be thoughtful and respectful of complexity while at the same time honoring the imperatives of commercial entertainment. It has timely issues and serious ambitions, and it also has movie starsReese Witherspoonwith a huge pregnant belly!Meryl Streepwith a Southern accent!Jake Gyllenhaalwith sad, sleepy eyes! As well as young romance, breathless chases and violent explosions. Honestly, what could be more American than that?"--A.O. Scott, New York Times
What could be more American? Gee I don't know....the movies you hate? Transformers is chalk full of pro-military images, I think every Bay film is. It instills pride in your country, seeing all the cool angles on the fighter jets, or an amphibious landing. But that's not "American" apparently, its war-mongering and barbaric. Naturally the most patriotic Americans are the ones you identify the most with, the Americans who exercise their right to the freedom of speech.
Ugh..major part of the pet peeve. If you have such a problem with everything we do in this country why don't you just move? Side Tangent: People that continuously allude to our country's history with the Native Americans (Avatar) complain continuously. No...I'm not saying it was "right". But I don't think (if given the chance) half of the people who have such a vehement stance on it would be willing to move to a reservation themselves and give the land back.
"Taste" it seems, is only valid when it actively criticizes a political faction or policy.
Like this bowl of crap...
Yeah let me tell ya, that looks really American. Much more so than any of Michael Bay's movies.
NOT
I don't care if you don't think I'm sophisticated for watching Michael Bay films. Live life a little! Relax! Stop being a snob! The whole point of going to the movies is to sit down and veg out. If I'm a barbarian for wanting to watch some action that an Ivy League Journalist thinks is too simplistic, so be it.
The Title is pretty explanatory, these are the posts I never got around to finishing up listed from oldest (the ones I've been putting off for the longest time) to newest (recent posts I haven't finished).
1) Ultimate Bond Review: Worst Ways to Go
Remember how I started off my earlier posts with James Bond related stuff? This was supposed to be The ULTIMATE REVIEW of worst ways to go in Bond films, but all that research, finding videos and photos, re-watching the movies, and writing paragraphs turned out to be pretty tedious stuff. I've obviously put this post off the longest, but looking through it again I realize it would be a good post if I finished it---no promises though.
2) Blasts from the Past
Ah yes...a rather ambitious project. In my own personal opinion, the 1990s were the best days to grow up. While I've certainly wished I could have partaken in events past generations experienced, all around I'm not particularly jealous of anyone else's childhood. The point of this post was to highlight things that made the 90s so great for kids--what do kids growing up in the 2000s have? TV shows that are complete acid trips and aren't creative, technology that constantly becomes better, thus pushing kids towards talking through social mediums like Facebook and texts (which in turn just makes them socially awkward and weird), etc. etc. etc.
I'm really happy I grew up in the 90s. The technological progress we've made in 20 years is truly astounding. I mean just look at Cell phones--I can remember when they were absolute bricks, with clumsy large numbers that popped up on the screen...all of a sudden it seems like everyone started getting one (I wasn't allowed to own one until I was 16 years old). And Videogames? Holy crap. I can distinctly remember coming home and talking to my mom about the new (at the time) James Bond N64 game the World is Not Enough----because it featured characters that actually talked with the real actors voices, instead of just having a plain text pop up on screen. If you look at the graphics of a game made now and one made just 2 years ago you'll even notice profound changes. It's really mind-blowing when you think about it, and I hate to be cliche-----but really---what will they have 20 years from now?
Anyway, because I don't think I'll ever get around to doing a full post about it, I've included below some of the things I had in my unfinished "Blast from the Past" post.
THE GAMES
SimAnt. Wow...total blast from the past and the reason I decided to put up this post. I had been watching video game reviews and ultimately stumbled upon a "Lazy Gamer Review" of the "Top 17 Satisfying PC Game Weapons"...check it out here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rMEtAvFg1XI
Anyway, the pesticide from SimAnt was in the list and it brought back a lot of memories of the 90s for me. I can distinctly remember trying to figure out how to play this damn game...and failing at it (I was pretty young at the time, and the game either belonged to my older brother or my older sister).
Again....truly classic game for me in the younger years. I don't think I ever beat DuckTales either..but I can remember my sister destroying the game and making it seem extremely easy.
THE TV SHOWS
Reading Rainbow
Wishbone
Carmen Sandiego (this one happens to be the "Where in Time" series)
Power Rangers (and no...as kids we didn't realize their colors were "racist")
THE TOYS
FisherPrice Toys
The image above is the first FisherPrice Pirate set I ever bought with my own money (this is not mine specifically). FisherPrice Toys were the golden products for any child in the 90s. I had the pirate island...the pirate ship...the Castle....the Wild West Town..endless hours of fun as a child. They do not make toys like they used to.
Things I didn't finish but wanted to hit upon: Legos, Playmobile, Yo-Yo's (remember that phenomenon?), Beanie-Babies, GooseBumps, Animorphs, some classic 90s songs (think Blue from Eiffel 65), math computer games, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Pokemon, the Kratt Brothers (I have their autograph on an animal book....nbd) etc. etc. etc.
3) The People you'll run across in College
I figured I couldn't make sweeping generalizations in this post about people you'd meet in general (whether at my college or your college, or your friend's college or a family member's college) without someone thinking I was specifically talking about them and starting drama over it. In fact, I only got around to coming up with two examples, and neither one of them were modeled after people at my school--> "That" Guy, and The ROTC-Nazi. Regardless it's probably for the best if I never made this post, God only knows what I'd drag myself into.
I think the point of this was to talk about how I've made fun of RPGs (Role Playing Game--not Rocket Propelled Grenade) in the past, but Oblivion was a true guilty pleasure and I was looking forward to the newest Elder Scroll---Skyrim---set to come out in November.
6) Pet Peeve of the Day
I'm not sure what my Pet Peeve of the Day was for this particular post. If I had to come up with things that are pissing me off right now I'd probably say: no-income as a result of this economy, people who think they know what is going on but actually have no clue and as a result mess things up, my own personal flaws (procrastination/eating like a pig right now is one of them), and no Air Conditioning. The last one is very irritable..I say as the skin on my legs/back literally stick to this leather chair.
Actually I'll tell you what my main Pet Peeve is right now. I've edited this damn thing repeatedly and yet still the spacing is off and the font is not uniform. I apologize for how jacked up this post is. I'll make up for it by duck-walking across a foot-ball field later.
"I'm Joe-Joe the duck....."
7) My Workout Song List
That's a good question. I guess you could say I listen to a lot of music that has a very strong bass when I work out.
The artists who have the most songs in my workout list (and the name of said songs) are all listed below. Rock: Discipline, Down In It, The Hand That Feeds, Head Like a Hole, Sin, Terrible Lie, Kinda I Want To---by Nine Inch Nails Electronic: Breathe, Charly, Diesel Power, Funky Shit, Mindfields, Narayan, Omen, Warrior's Dance----by The Prodigy.
Weekends!!!, Reptile's Theme, Kill Everybody---by Skrillex
Get Crazy, Shots, La La La, Party Rock Anthem---by LMFAO
NIN, The Prodigy, LMFAO and Skrillex are the only artists in my Workout list which have more than one song. I have about 60 songs in the list, but they only come from Rock, Rap and Electronic.
8) GUNTHER
I wanted to somehow comment on the absurdity of this artist. This guy's photo ops are hilarious, his music videos are hilarious, and his music hilariously catchy. Not hilarious as in ha-ha-ha though...hilarious as in "You Sir, are Absurd."
Apparently he's famous in Sweden, but I became aware of his ridiculously catchy music through the youtube video below. He's become a staple of Iraq/Afghanistan combat veterans bored out of their minds, showing up in the videos like the one below and also in the critically acclaimed documentary "Restrepo".
What makes Gunther so hilarious beside his music that gets stuck in your head for weeks is that he takes himself dead seriously. He's 100% serious. I could never take myself seriously if I had this http://www.gunthernet.com/....as my homepage.
9) Blue Falcons of the Week: Pakistan
That's pretty self explanatory. Seriously. You have "no idea" where Bin Laden is?--->Oh whoops, my mistake there, you had no idea where he was.
OR
(The Format on "Navy SEALs" is a little bit messy..I made it in Powerpoint and don't make a living out creating Motivationals)
Ohhhhh Binny L..you silly person.
I don't think I'm ever going to let 5.1.11 down...
10) My Birthday Wish List
Hm...
1) A nice digital camera
2) An ACU FLC
3) An extra pair of boots.
4) Cash
Yes, yes I know. #25, is last in the list and its not a mistake. While it's true that John Wayne truly was the iconic American Man's Man, he really was more of a talker than a doer......compared to other people on this list.
Scale of Manliness? Teddy Roosevelt-like---"Speak Softly and Carry a Big Stick"
#24 RJ MACREADY FROM THE THING (KURT RUSSELL)
How He Beats Out John Wayne: He blows up a FUCKING SHAPESHIFTING ALIEN IN THE ARCTIC CIRCLE
If you haven't seen John Carptener's "The Thing" yet, I'd suggest you go rent it. This movie is scary as hell!!! Its also gory as hell too. I've given away the ending of the film already in the afore mentioned note (sorry), but basic premise wise--> Scientists in the Arctic Circle + an alien that can shapeshift into anything= Blood.....everywhere. You'll have to do some serious manning up to get through portions of this movie...one of which is seen below...actually. I'm just going to post the link for it. If you don't like gore/scary movie crap..dont bother clicking on it and then yelling at me afterwards!!!
Scale of Manliness? HUMAN SPIDER HEAD CURB STOMPING MANLY
#23 JAMES DARRELL EDWARDS III FROM MEN IN BLACK (WILL SMITH)
How He Beats Out RJ MacReady: Blows up tons of Aliens and works for an agency which deals solely with taking out aliens.
We've all seen MiB? Good. I don't have to explain it then.
Scale of Manliness? I KILL ALIENS LIKE ITS MY JOB...BECAUSE IT ACTUALLY IS MANLY
#22 LEON FROM THE PROFESSIONAL (JEAN RENO)
How He Beats Out James Darrell Edwards III: No..he doesn't kill Aliens. But he does kill humans.....for money....but he's manly enough to open up his compassion for a little girl...WHICH WAS NOT A VARIABLE IN MEN IN BLACK OR THE THING
The guy is French. Seriously. But if you called him a wuss and threw your "freedom fries" at him, he'd sneak into your bedroom at night and garrote your parakeet just to send you a message. Leon is, by all measures, a cold blooded killer. He still finds the time to harbor an innocent little girl (a wicked young Natalie Portman) and teach her how to become a BAMF however. And the ending of the film? Awesome.
As is the beginning of the film, which sets the tone.
Scale of Manliness? FORCE FEEDING YOU FREEDOM FRIES MANLY
#21 GUNNERY SERGEANT HARTMAN FROM FULL METAL JACKET (R. LEE ERMEY)
How He Beats Out Leon: He's American.
Sorry Leon, but Gunnery SGT. Hartman is the quintessential American....Drill Instructor. At least before they made all those laws against hazing in boot camp. Psh. Hartman likes his breakfast like he likes American soil. Tasting like Liberty. R. Lee Ermey's Hartman is what made Full Metal Jacket so FUCKING AWESOME...forget the 2nd half where they go to Vietnam. Hartman is a vicious pit-bull of discipline, French assassins be damned!
Just take a look at the first 10 minutes of boot camp, (uploaded by someone who is not me on Youtube, but will probably take this video down even if I extend credit like some of the other ones on this site because he/she is SENSITIVE AND NOT MANLY)
Scale of Manliness? PUNCHING YOU IN THE FACE WITH SOAP BARS WRAPPED UP IN AN AMERICAN FLAG MANLY
#20 AGENT SMITH FROM THE MATRIX (HUGO WEAVING)
How He Beats Out Gunnery SGT. Hartman: Kung Fu.
Mr. Andersonnnnnnnnn. Meet Agent Smith, aka the most bad-ass floppy disc program ever. Did the Matrix films go downhill after the first? Yes. But Agent Smith was still a BAMF regardless. The program even (somehow) makes it into human form and tries to fuck Neo's day up. THAT'S INSANE
Without giving anything away here's an example of Agent Smith's kung fu'ness in the Matrix...can you punch out pillars of cement?
Keep in mind Agent Smith is the cool looking one....not the wimpy girl man.
Scale of Manliness?110011111000110011111101100001 MANLY
#19 SPARTACUS.....FROM SPARTACUS (KIRK DOUGLAS)
How He Beats Out Agent Smith: You can't be beaten by a computer program turned virus in a time before computers
Why is Spartacus manly? Because he led the slaves of Rome in revolt and almost escaped the Roman Empire that's why!!! He also marries a BABE...did Agent Smith do that? NO
Scale of Manliness?KILLING ROMANS AND SLAYING BABES MANLY.....hehehe
#18 PAUL KERSEY FROM DEATH WISH (CHARLES BRONSON)
How He Beats Out Spartacus: HE HAS A GUN
Talk about a vengeful man...that has a lot of reasons to kill. It seems as though Paul Kersey is a man with terrible luck and a brutal misfortune. In the first film, Kersey goes on a vigilante killing spree after his wife and daughter are savagly raped, his wife being beaten to death. In the 2nd film, Kersey's daughter is a PTSD Mute who once again...gets raped. Oh and she jumps out of a window and falls to her death immediately afterwards too. In the 3rd film...(yeah there's more...a whole series was made out of these things) Kersey goes on yet another killing spree after his Korean War buddy Charley gets killed by a gang. In Death Wish 4, Kersey settles down to a quiet life and spends the rest of his days curating modern art and experimenting in flower cross-breeding.
Damn. He's like the adult Karate Kid with women. Except when he can't seal the deal with ladies its because they got raped and shot.
Oh well, nothing a .45 and some mindless violence can't suffice.
Scale of Manliness? OVER-KILL-PUNK&GANG-KILLING MANLY (SERIOUSLY, JUST WATCH THE KILL COUNT VIDEOS ON YOUTUBE...HE KILLS 113 PEOPLE)
#17 BRITT FROM THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN (JAMES COBURN)
How He Beats Out Paul Kersey: He can throw a knife faster than a bullet.
The Magnificent Seven is a classic Western. Yul Brynner, Steve McQueen, Charles Bronson, Robert Vaughn..etc. etc. But it was James Coburn's Britt who was the most formidable. The guy could throw his knife right into you before you could pull out your gun.
Seeing as how Kersey relied on a gun throughout his series....I think its safe to say Britt could kick his ass.
Unless he messed with Kersey's woman.
Scale of Manliness? KNIFE TO YOUR FACE MANLY
#16 JAMES BOND FROM LICENSE TO KILL (TIMOTHY DALTON)
How He Beats Out Britt: He has a License to Kill.
Yeah SUPRISE, Timothy Dalton made it into this Man list. Deal with it. In all seriousness I found his dark side of Bond a lot more fulfilling than Roger Moore's joker antics. Did he bed any ladies? NO, but why does that matter when you're LIGHTING A DRUG DEALER ON FIRE. Seriously, the guy basically goes rogue and gets his license to kill revoked by MI6 when he vows to revenge the murder of Felix Lighter's wife/Felix Lighter being fed to a shark and left for dead. THEY FED HIM TO A SHARK PEOPLE...I'm pretty sure I'd enjoy revenge too.
Scale of Manliness? GETTING FIRED FROM MI-6 JUST FOR REVENGE MANLY
#15 FRANK LUCAS FROM AMERICAN GANGSTER (DENZEL WASHINGTON)
How He Beats Out Dalton's James Bond: Unlike Sanchez he ISN'T FOOLISH ENOUGH to trust you if you're not in his family...../Black...
If you haven't seen American Gangster yet, and thus can't figure out why Frank Lucas is Manly, then you need to MTFU and come back to this list later. The guy has fashion, son. Just don't get blood on his suit.
Scale of Manliness? SO MANLY HE'LL TRAVEL TO 'NAM JUST TO GET HEROIN MANLY
#14 HARRY CALLAHAN FROM DIRTY HARRY (CLINT EASTWOOD)
How He Beats Out Frank Lucas: He wouldn't be a pansy like Russell Crowe and try to prosecute legally! He'd just shoot Lucas with the "Most Powerful Handgun In the World"
There's cops, and then there are COPS. Henry Callahan is said COP. Fuck your constitutional rights if you're a punk! He'll blow your head "clean off". And woooo-weee does that bad guy in Dirty Harry deserve it. He randomly snipes people throughout the city, kidnaps-rapes-and murders a 14 year old girl, kidnaps a school bus full of children...all while taunting the police and Governor throughout the movie. Naturally the pansy bureaucrats and wimpy cops want to negotiate with the baddie, but what beats a .44 magnum in diplomacy?
How He Beats Out Harry Callahan: Have you seen Taken???
No seriously. Have you seen Taken? Watch it right now.
Scale of Manliness? QUI-GON-JIN DECIDED TO GROW A PAIR AND RTFU MANLY
#12 RAMBO FROM THE RAMBO SERIES (SYLVESTOR STALLONE)
How He Beats Out Bryan Mills: ROIDS AND AN M60
Well what do you know...Rambo didn't make Top Ten. Aww shucks. MTFU AND GET OVER IT!!! Rambo is a bad-ass, but let's be honest, assault rifles don't hold that much rounds, and you can't light gunpowder by firing a gun (with out tracer ammo) at it like he did in First Blood. Now if you haven't already read my previous post on realistic deficiencies do so now.
I'm forgiving and forgetting based just on the last Rambo however.
Scale of Manliness? BLOWING YOU UP WITH A .50 CAL AND RIPPING OUT YOUR ADAM'S APPLE MANLY
#11 RIGGS FROM THE LETHAL WEAPON SERIES (MEL GIBSON)
How He Beats Out Rambo: He also has special forces background but is way more tapped than Rambo. Did we mention he has a death wish?
Mel Gibson's anti-Semetic and woman-bashing routines aside, Riggs was the shit. Can you take on Special forces gone rouge? How about Aryan South African bastards with "diplomatic immunity"?---that Danny Glover revokes in one of the greatest movie lines ever---What about ex-cops that work in construction? Kung-Fu Chinese baddies?
Didn't think so.
P.S. He hooks up with an absolute BABE in Lethal Weapon 2. HOLLAAA!
Scale of Manliness? LION MANE CRAZY MAN POINTING AN M9 IN YOUR FACE MANLY
#10 JOHN MCCLANE FROM THE DIE HARD SERIES (BRUCE WILLIS)
How He Beats Out Martin Riggs: He doesn't have a background in Special forces, but somehow manages to fuck up international terrorists and mercenaries with ease
Yipee-Ki-Ay Motherfucker. Best line ever? Maybe not, but it's up there. When it comes to killing German terrorists, this guy is a pro. Two brothers from separate terrorist cells? Sounds like a deal to me. Oh not to mention he's just some cop....nothing special...doesn't even have SWAT training.
Scale of Manliness? A REGULAR JOE COP WHO MANAGES TO KILL PROFESSIONAL TERRORISTS MANLY
#9 CHEV CHELIOS FROM CRANK (JASON STATHAM)
How He Beats Out John McClane: He's a hit man who so far, has survived being thrown out of a helicopter, having his heart removed, and being lit on fire.....among other things.
If you haven't seen Crank, aren't easily offended, and you're of the proper age....see the movie. It's probably the manliest film out there. In the first Crank, Chev gets poisoned with some nasty cocktail of crap. Long story short, in order to stay alive long enough to get to the antidote, Chev must keep his adrenalin going. There are a couple of ways to go about doing this, one scene in particular being with his UBER HOT girlfriend played by Amy Smart, which made the movie the even more manly than it already was. Crank 2 sees Chev's heart getting stolen and replaced with a transplant whose battery needs to be constantly charged. Again, if you're easily offended and/or a feminist....don't watch these movies.
Scale of Manliness? NAILING YOUR LADY IN FRONT OF A BUS FILLED WITH JAPANESE SCHOOL GIRLS JUST TO STAY ALIVE MANLY
#8 DUTCH FROM PREDATOR (ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER)
How He Beats Out Chev Chelios: He kills a FRIGGEN ALIEN WHO HUNTS HUMANS FOR SPORT
Yet another classic movie from the 80s. Dutch is the only surviving member of a Special Forces team which fucked with the wrong alien. Is it like the shapeshifter alien from the Thing? The giant bug from MiB?
NO
It's a big roid-eating, skull collecting, adaptive camouflage hulking, HUNTER ALIEN. And he kills it via booby-trap....that he made out of his bare-fucking-hands.
Scale of Manliness? I KILLED A TECHNOLOGICALLY SUPERIOR FORM OF LIFE HUNTING ME FOR MY SKULL WITH MY BARE HANDS AND INTUITIVE WIT MANLY
#7 VINNIE JONES...IN ANY MOVIE
How He Beats Out Dutch: Because he used to beat up people in soccer in real life too
I really can not even begin to describe Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels or Snatch (the two most famous films he's in). They really are movies you'd have to sit down and watch for yourself. What counts however is that Vinnie Jones is a tough ass Brit that defines what it is to be manly.....tapped nonetheless...but manly all the same. He's made cameo soccer appearances in some films, including She's the Man (which wasn't a manly movie except for the parts with Vinnie Jones), and the infamous Euro Trip--seen below.
Scale of Manliness? PISSING GOOD BLOODY WANKA FUN MANLY
#6 JACK BAUER FROM 24 (KIEFER SUTHERLAND)
How He Beats Out Vinnie Jones: The guy stays awake for 24 hours without taking a piss or eating a snack ONCE...NOT EVEN ONCE
Alright so 24 isn't a movie, but it very well damn should be. Jack Bauer is like the MacGyver of our generation, if MacGyver replaced the paper clip and rubber band with a Sig Sauer and frequently had to stay awake 24 hours dealing with conspiracies and nuke-wielding terrorists....that was a brutal season btw. He shot Curtis in that season didn't he? The best season by far was the one in which the beloved Edgar died, and JB RTFU'd all over the place.
Damnit. EDGARRRRR NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
Scale of Manliness? SLEEP, FOOD AND URINATION IS FOR THE WEAK MANLY
#5 ASH FROM THE EVIL DEAD SERIES (BRUCE CAMPBELL)
How He Beats Out Jack Bauer: JB certainly does have the terrorists covered. But I'd like to see him take on the EVIL DEAD
Ash from the Evil Dead series. Damn these were good movies. Comedic, scary and bamf all rolled up into one little package. The first Evil Dead has a 100% on rottentomatoes.com's tomato meter. That's like...next to impossible. Which is exactly why I wont spoil anything further more and just recommend the movie to those who are not easily queasy in the stomach.
Did I mention he has to cut off his own hand and puts a chain-saw on it?
Scale of Manliness? I HAVE A CHAINSAW FOR A HAND AND KILL DEMONS MANLY
#4 REESE FROM HELL IS FOR HEROES (STEVE MCQUEEN)
How He Beats Out Ashley "Ash" Williams: He's a tapped WWII soldier who gives up the ultimate sacrifice
While I personally don't think it's the best Steve McQueen movie out there, Reese certainly is a lot tougher than McQueen's character in "The Great Escape". If Reese ever got captured, he'd go all Inglorious Basterd on everybody and scalp every single last one of those damn nazis. He goes crazy off duty because he lusts for war so much. Live by the gun, die by the gun I suppose. He's so manly he satchel charges a Pill Box....himself included. See the final battle below.
Scale of Manliness? I JUST SACRIFICED MYSELF AND BLEW UP A FRIGGEN BUNKER WITH MY OWN BODY SO MY COMPANY COULD MOVE ON MANLY
#3 CHARLTON HESTON IN WHATEVER
How He Beats Out Reese: Whether it's Planet of the Apes, Ben Hur, or The Ten Commandments....wait isn't this list alone enough proof?
If not, may I remind you all that Charlton Heston was a proponent of the 2nd Amendment and a public speaker for the NRA. Anywayyyy, none of the men above can beat out Ben Hur or the Ten Commandments. Just look at the movie poster for Ben Hur below.....How Manly is that?
The guy got to portray Moses for crying out loud.
He did a damn good job at it too.
Scale of Manliness? I PORTRAYED MOSES MANLY
#2 SEAN CONNERY IN ANY BOND FILM
How He Beats Out Charlton Heston: BOND GIRLS
Alrighty, alrighty...so maybe you can beat out religious movies with a little sinful action after all. This is a no brainer anyway, Sean Connery is...and always will be the classic Bond. Not to mention the classic and lovely ladies that accompanied him in the first films. Honey Ryder? P**** Galore? I mean come on...that's legendary. Ladies aside, Sean Connery's Bond will never be beaten.
Ever.
Scale of Manliness? I SHOULD HAVE STDs BUT DON'T BECAUSE APPARENTLY ALL THE SPIES IN THE WORLD ARE CLEAN MANLY
#1 HARRISON FORD IN ANY MOVIE
Why is he the best? Star Wars, Indiana Jones, The Witness, Air Force One, The Fugitive, Clear and Present Danger, Patriot Games...need I go on?
This guy is the definition of America. The rugged individualism, the suave talker, the man's man. He really is the top of the list, period and end of story.
Scale of Manliness? I'M SO MANLY I BROKE THE SCALE OF MANLINESS MANLY
Hon Mentions who need just a bit more time to make the list: Jeremy Renner, Gerald Butler, LEO (looks like he finally grew a pair after Romeo&Juliet/the Titanic), Matt Damon, Christopher Lambert (solely for Highlander), Robert Downey Jr., Sean Bean
People who don't deserve to be on the list:
1) Sean Penn, for being an Anti-American "I'll constantly make the troops look bad and complain about my own country but would never think of moving to a different nation" Hipster.
2) Adrian Brody for that damn obnoxious nose and brutally girly Stella Artois commercial, which totally revoked the manhood he had earned in Predators.
3) Elijah Wood, simply because I HATED Frodo in the last Lord of the Rings movie and Sam was clearly the Man that should have been carrying the ring as Frodo was a little whiny wuss.
