#25 JOHN WAYNE IN ANY FILM
Yes, yes I know. #25, is last in the list and its not a mistake. While it's true that John Wayne truly was the iconic American Man's Man, he really was more of a talker than a doer......compared to other people on this list.
Scale of Manliness? Teddy Roosevelt-like---"Speak Softly and Carry a Big Stick"
#24 RJ MACREADY FROM THE THING (KURT RUSSELL)
How He Beats Out John Wayne: He blows up a FUCKING SHAPESHIFTING ALIEN IN THE ARCTIC CIRCLE
If you haven't seen John Carptener's "The Thing" yet, I'd suggest you go rent it. This movie is scary as hell!!! Its also gory as hell too. I've given away the ending of the film already in the afore mentioned note (sorry), but basic premise wise--> Scientists in the Arctic Circle + an alien that can shapeshift into anything= Blood.....everywhere. You'll have to do some serious manning up to get through portions of this movie...one of which is seen below...actually. I'm just going to post the link for it. If you don't like gore/scary movie crap..dont bother clicking on it and then yelling at me afterwards!!!
However, if you do want to MAN UP already, here's the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TevQS4qgE_Q
Scale of Manliness? HUMAN SPIDER HEAD CURB STOMPING MANLY
#23 JAMES DARRELL EDWARDS III FROM MEN IN BLACK (WILL SMITH)
How He Beats Out RJ MacReady: Blows up tons of Aliens and works for an agency which deals solely with taking out aliens.
We've all seen MiB? Good. I don't have to explain it then.
Scale of Manliness? I KILL ALIENS LIKE ITS MY JOB...BECAUSE IT ACTUALLY IS MANLY
#22 LEON FROM THE PROFESSIONAL (JEAN RENO)
How He Beats Out James Darrell Edwards III: No..he doesn't kill Aliens. But he does kill humans.....for money....but he's manly enough to open up his compassion for a little girl...WHICH WAS NOT A VARIABLE IN MEN IN BLACK OR THE THING
The guy is French. Seriously. But if you called him a wuss and threw your "freedom fries" at him, he'd sneak into your bedroom at night and garrote your parakeet just to send you a message. Leon is, by all measures, a cold blooded killer. He still finds the time to harbor an innocent little girl (a wicked young Natalie Portman) and teach her how to become a BAMF however. And the ending of the film? Awesome.
As is the beginning of the film, which sets the tone.
Scale of Manliness? FORCE FEEDING YOU FREEDOM FRIES MANLY
#21 GUNNERY SERGEANT HARTMAN FROM FULL METAL JACKET (R. LEE ERMEY)
How He Beats Out Leon: He's American.
Sorry Leon, but Gunnery SGT. Hartman is the quintessential American....Drill Instructor. At least before they made all those laws against hazing in boot camp. Psh. Hartman likes his breakfast like he likes American soil. Tasting like Liberty. R. Lee Ermey's Hartman is what made Full Metal Jacket so FUCKING AWESOME...forget the 2nd half where they go to Vietnam. Hartman is a vicious pit-bull of discipline, French assassins be damned!
Just take a look at the first 10 minutes of boot camp, (uploaded by someone who is not me on Youtube, but will probably take this video down even if I extend credit like some of the other ones on this site because he/she is SENSITIVE AND NOT MANLY)
Scale of Manliness? PUNCHING YOU IN THE FACE WITH SOAP BARS WRAPPED UP IN AN AMERICAN FLAG MANLY
#20 AGENT SMITH FROM THE MATRIX (HUGO WEAVING)
How He Beats Out Gunnery SGT. Hartman: Kung Fu.
Mr. Andersonnnnnnnnn. Meet Agent Smith, aka the most bad-ass floppy disc program ever. Did the Matrix films go downhill after the first? Yes. But Agent Smith was still a BAMF regardless. The program even (somehow) makes it into human form and tries to fuck Neo's day up. THAT'S INSANE
Without giving anything away here's an example of Agent Smith's kung fu'ness in the Matrix...can you punch out pillars of cement?
Keep in mind Agent Smith is the cool looking one....not the wimpy girl man.
Scale of Manliness? 110011111000110011111101100001 MANLY
#19 SPARTACUS.....FROM SPARTACUS (KIRK DOUGLAS)
How He Beats Out Agent Smith: You can't be beaten by a computer program turned virus in a time before computers
Why is Spartacus manly? Because he led the slaves of Rome in revolt and almost escaped the Roman Empire that's why!!! He also marries a BABE...did Agent Smith do that? NO
Scale of Manliness? KILLING ROMANS AND SLAYING BABES MANLY.....hehehe
#18 PAUL KERSEY FROM DEATH WISH (CHARLES BRONSON)
How He Beats Out Spartacus: HE HAS A GUN
Talk about a vengeful man...that has a lot of reasons to kill. It seems as though Paul Kersey is a man with terrible luck and a brutal misfortune. In the first film, Kersey goes on a vigilante killing spree after his wife and daughter are savagly raped, his wife being beaten to death. In the 2nd film, Kersey's daughter is a PTSD Mute who once again...gets raped. Oh and she jumps out of a window and falls to her death immediately afterwards too. In the 3rd film...(yeah there's more...a whole series was made out of these things) Kersey goes on yet another killing spree after his Korean War buddy Charley gets killed by a gang. In Death Wish 4, Kersey settles down to a quiet life and spends the rest of his days curating modern art and experimenting in flower cross-breeding.
NOT
He MTFU (Mans the Fuck Up) and goes back to killing punks after his lady friend's daughter dies of a drug overdose and her boyfriend gets killed by the drug dealer. Finally, in Death Wish 5, Kersey once again loses a new fiancée to mob violence, and KILLS EVERYONE CONNECTED TO HER DEATH.
Damn. He's like the adult Karate Kid with women. Except when he can't seal the deal with ladies its because they got raped and shot.
Oh well, nothing a .45 and some mindless violence can't suffice.
Scale of Manliness? OVER-KILL-PUNK&GANG-KILLING MANLY (SERIOUSLY, JUST WATCH THE KILL COUNT VIDEOS ON YOUTUBE...HE KILLS 113 PEOPLE)
#17 BRITT FROM THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN (JAMES COBURN)
How He Beats Out Paul Kersey: He can throw a knife faster than a bullet.
The Magnificent Seven is a classic Western. Yul Brynner, Steve McQueen, Charles Bronson, Robert Vaughn..etc. etc. But it was James Coburn's Britt who was the most formidable. The guy could throw his knife right into you before you could pull out your gun.
Seeing as how Kersey relied on a gun throughout his series....I think its safe to say Britt could kick his ass.
Unless he messed with Kersey's woman.
Scale of Manliness? KNIFE TO YOUR FACE MANLY
#16 JAMES BOND FROM LICENSE TO KILL (TIMOTHY DALTON)
How He Beats Out Britt: He has a License to Kill.
Yeah SUPRISE, Timothy Dalton made it into this Man list. Deal with it. In all seriousness I found his dark side of Bond a lot more fulfilling than Roger Moore's joker antics. Did he bed any ladies? NO, but why does that matter when you're LIGHTING A DRUG DEALER ON FIRE. Seriously, the guy basically goes rogue and gets his license to kill revoked by MI6 when he vows to revenge the murder of Felix Lighter's wife/Felix Lighter being fed to a shark and left for dead. THEY FED HIM TO A SHARK PEOPLE...I'm pretty sure I'd enjoy revenge too.
All 25 seconds of it.
Aka, 9:33 to 9:59 in this vid http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SX5veWgLpok
Scale of Manliness? GETTING FIRED FROM MI-6 JUST FOR REVENGE MANLY
#15 FRANK LUCAS FROM AMERICAN GANGSTER (DENZEL WASHINGTON)
How He Beats Out Dalton's James Bond: Unlike Sanchez he ISN'T FOOLISH ENOUGH to trust you if you're not in his family...../Black...
If you haven't seen American Gangster yet, and thus can't figure out why Frank Lucas is Manly, then you need to MTFU and come back to this list later. The guy has fashion, son. Just don't get blood on his suit.
Scale of Manliness? SO MANLY HE'LL TRAVEL TO 'NAM JUST TO GET HEROIN MANLY
#14 HARRY CALLAHAN FROM DIRTY HARRY (CLINT EASTWOOD)
How He Beats Out Frank Lucas: He wouldn't be a pansy like Russell Crowe and try to prosecute legally! He'd just shoot Lucas with the "Most Powerful Handgun In the World"
There's cops, and then there are COPS. Henry Callahan is said COP. Fuck your constitutional rights if you're a punk! He'll blow your head "clean off". And woooo-weee does that bad guy in Dirty Harry deserve it. He randomly snipes people throughout the city, kidnaps-rapes-and murders a 14 year old girl, kidnaps a school bus full of children...all while taunting the police and Governor throughout the movie. Naturally the pansy bureaucrats and wimpy cops want to negotiate with the baddie, but what beats a .44 magnum in diplomacy?
NOTHING.....that's the answer.
#13 BRYAN MILLS FROM TAKEN (LIAM NEESON)
How He Beats Out Harry Callahan: Have you seen Taken???
No seriously. Have you seen Taken? Watch it right now.
Scale of Manliness? QUI-GON-JIN DECIDED TO GROW A PAIR AND RTFU MANLY
#12 RAMBO FROM THE RAMBO SERIES (SYLVESTOR STALLONE)
How He Beats Out Bryan Mills: ROIDS AND AN M60
Well what do you know...Rambo didn't make Top Ten. Aww shucks. MTFU AND GET OVER IT!!! Rambo is a bad-ass, but let's be honest, assault rifles don't hold that much rounds, and you can't light gunpowder by firing a gun (with out tracer ammo) at it like he did in First Blood. Now if you haven't already read my previous post on realistic deficiencies do so now.
I'm forgiving and forgetting based just on the last Rambo however.
Scale of Manliness? BLOWING YOU UP WITH A .50 CAL AND RIPPING OUT YOUR ADAM'S APPLE MANLY
#11 RIGGS FROM THE LETHAL WEAPON SERIES (MEL GIBSON)
How He Beats Out Rambo: He also has special forces background but is way more tapped than Rambo. Did we mention he has a death wish?
Mel Gibson's anti-Semetic and woman-bashing routines aside, Riggs was the shit. Can you take on Special forces gone rouge? How about Aryan South African bastards with "diplomatic immunity"?---that Danny Glover revokes in one of the greatest movie lines ever---What about ex-cops that work in construction? Kung-Fu Chinese baddies?
Didn't think so.
P.S. He hooks up with an absolute BABE in Lethal Weapon 2. HOLLAAA!
Scale of Manliness? LION MANE CRAZY MAN POINTING AN M9 IN YOUR FACE MANLY
#10 JOHN MCCLANE FROM THE DIE HARD SERIES (BRUCE WILLIS)
How He Beats Out Martin Riggs: He doesn't have a background in Special forces, but somehow manages to fuck up international terrorists and mercenaries with ease
Yipee-Ki-Ay Motherfucker. Best line ever? Maybe not, but it's up there. When it comes to killing German terrorists, this guy is a pro. Two brothers from separate terrorist cells? Sounds like a deal to me. Oh not to mention he's just some cop....nothing special...doesn't even have SWAT training.
Scale of Manliness? A REGULAR JOE COP WHO MANAGES TO KILL PROFESSIONAL TERRORISTS MANLY
#9 CHEV CHELIOS FROM CRANK (JASON STATHAM)
How He Beats Out John McClane: He's a hit man who so far, has survived being thrown out of a helicopter, having his heart removed, and being lit on fire.....among other things.
If you haven't seen Crank, aren't easily offended, and you're of the proper age....see the movie. It's probably the manliest film out there. In the first Crank, Chev gets poisoned with some nasty cocktail of crap. Long story short, in order to stay alive long enough to get to the antidote, Chev must keep his adrenalin going. There are a couple of ways to go about doing this, one scene in particular being with his UBER HOT girlfriend played by Amy Smart, which made the movie the even more manly than it already was. Crank 2 sees Chev's heart getting stolen and replaced with a transplant whose battery needs to be constantly charged. Again, if you're easily offended and/or a feminist....don't watch these movies.
Scale of Manliness? NAILING YOUR LADY IN FRONT OF A BUS FILLED WITH JAPANESE SCHOOL GIRLS JUST TO STAY ALIVE MANLY
#8 DUTCH FROM PREDATOR (ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER)
How He Beats Out Chev Chelios: He kills a FRIGGEN ALIEN WHO HUNTS HUMANS FOR SPORT
Yet another classic movie from the 80s. Dutch is the only surviving member of a Special Forces team which fucked with the wrong alien. Is it like the shapeshifter alien from the Thing? The giant bug from MiB?
NO
It's a big roid-eating, skull collecting, adaptive camouflage hulking, HUNTER ALIEN. And he kills it via booby-trap....that he made out of his bare-fucking-hands.
Scale of Manliness? I KILLED A TECHNOLOGICALLY SUPERIOR FORM OF LIFE HUNTING ME FOR MY SKULL WITH MY BARE HANDS AND INTUITIVE WIT MANLY
#7 VINNIE JONES...IN ANY MOVIE
How He Beats Out Dutch: Because he used to beat up people in soccer in real life too
I really can not even begin to describe Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels or Snatch (the two most famous films he's in). They really are movies you'd have to sit down and watch for yourself. What counts however is that Vinnie Jones is a tough ass Brit that defines what it is to be manly.....tapped nonetheless...but manly all the same. He's made cameo soccer appearances in some films, including She's the Man (which wasn't a manly movie except for the parts with Vinnie Jones), and the infamous Euro Trip--seen below.
Scale of Manliness? PISSING GOOD BLOODY WANKA FUN MANLY
#6 JACK BAUER FROM 24 (KIEFER SUTHERLAND)
How He Beats Out Vinnie Jones: The guy stays awake for 24 hours without taking a piss or eating a snack ONCE...NOT EVEN ONCE
Alright so 24 isn't a movie, but it very well damn should be. Jack Bauer is like the MacGyver of our generation, if MacGyver replaced the paper clip and rubber band with a Sig Sauer and frequently had to stay awake 24 hours dealing with conspiracies and nuke-wielding terrorists....that was a brutal season btw. He shot Curtis in that season didn't he? The best season by far was the one in which the beloved Edgar died, and JB RTFU'd all over the place.
Damnit. EDGARRRRR NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
Scale of Manliness? SLEEP, FOOD AND URINATION IS FOR THE WEAK MANLY
#5 ASH FROM THE EVIL DEAD SERIES (BRUCE CAMPBELL)
How He Beats Out Jack Bauer: JB certainly does have the terrorists covered. But I'd like to see him take on the EVIL DEAD
Ash from the Evil Dead series. Damn these were good movies. Comedic, scary and bamf all rolled up into one little package. The first Evil Dead has a 100% on rottentomatoes.com's tomato meter. That's like...next to impossible. Which is exactly why I wont spoil anything further more and just recommend the movie to those who are not easily queasy in the stomach.
Did I mention he has to cut off his own hand and puts a chain-saw on it?
Scale of Manliness? I HAVE A CHAINSAW FOR A HAND AND KILL DEMONS MANLY
#4 REESE FROM HELL IS FOR HEROES (STEVE MCQUEEN)
How He Beats Out Ashley "Ash" Williams: He's a tapped WWII soldier who gives up the ultimate sacrifice
While I personally don't think it's the best Steve McQueen movie out there, Reese certainly is a lot tougher than McQueen's character in "The Great Escape". If Reese ever got captured, he'd go all Inglorious Basterd on everybody and scalp every single last one of those damn nazis. He goes crazy off duty because he lusts for war so much. Live by the gun, die by the gun I suppose. He's so manly he satchel charges a Pill Box....himself included. See the final battle below.
Scale of Manliness? I JUST SACRIFICED MYSELF AND BLEW UP A FRIGGEN BUNKER WITH MY OWN BODY SO MY COMPANY COULD MOVE ON MANLY
#3 CHARLTON HESTON IN WHATEVER
How He Beats Out Reese: Whether it's Planet of the Apes, Ben Hur, or The Ten Commandments....wait isn't this list alone enough proof?
If not, may I remind you all that Charlton Heston was a proponent of the 2nd Amendment and a public speaker for the NRA. Anywayyyy, none of the men above can beat out Ben Hur or the Ten Commandments. Just look at the movie poster for Ben Hur below.....How Manly is that?
The guy got to portray Moses for crying out loud.
He did a damn good job at it too.
Scale of Manliness? I PORTRAYED MOSES MANLY
#2 SEAN CONNERY IN ANY BOND FILM
How He Beats Out Charlton Heston: BOND GIRLS
Alrighty, alrighty...so maybe you can beat out religious movies with a little sinful action after all. This is a no brainer anyway, Sean Connery is...and always will be the classic Bond. Not to mention the classic and lovely ladies that accompanied him in the first films. Honey Ryder? P**** Galore? I mean come on...that's legendary. Ladies aside, Sean Connery's Bond will never be beaten.
Ever.
Scale of Manliness? I SHOULD HAVE STDs BUT DON'T BECAUSE APPARENTLY ALL THE SPIES IN THE WORLD ARE CLEAN MANLY
#1 HARRISON FORD IN ANY MOVIE
Why is he the best? Star Wars, Indiana Jones, The Witness, Air Force One, The Fugitive, Clear and Present Danger, Patriot Games...need I go on?
This guy is the definition of America. The rugged individualism, the suave talker, the man's man. He really is the top of the list, period and end of story.
Scale of Manliness? I'M SO MANLY I BROKE THE SCALE OF MANLINESS MANLY
Hon Mentions who need just a bit more time to make the list: Jeremy Renner, Gerald Butler, LEO (looks like he finally grew a pair after Romeo&Juliet/the Titanic), Matt Damon, Christopher Lambert (solely for Highlander), Robert Downey Jr., Sean Bean
People who don't deserve to be on the list:
1) Sean Penn, for being an Anti-American "I'll constantly make the troops look bad and complain about my own country but would never think of moving to a different nation" Hipster.
2) Adrian Brody for that damn obnoxious nose and brutally girly Stella Artois commercial, which totally revoked the manhood he had earned in Predators.
3) Elijah Wood, simply because I HATED Frodo in the last Lord of the Rings movie and Sam was clearly the Man that should have been carrying the ring as Frodo was a little whiny wuss.
---Fin---
