Can you tell what that is?
I'll give you 3 guesses, multiple choice style:
A) The result of a night of four-lokos and extensive use of a tanning booth.
B) What Dom looks like without make-up on.
C) A mutated sheep embryo, which got a deadly dose of yellow phosphorous.
While its tempting to say option B, the picture above is in fact A mutated sheep embryo, which got a deadly dose of yellow phosphorous.
In other words, a man in a big deranged-aborted-sheep costume.
Robot Holocaust is child's play compared to this garbage. There is literally no plot. The story is a very bumpy ride of sub-plots which turn just about every which way...and don't make any sense.
The beginning of the film starts with a young sheep herder in a killer outfit (the guy has a friggen sheep vest...talk about awesome) playing the slots at a casino in Reno. He wins of course, and bumps into a bunch of RANDOM STRANGERS at the bar, who offer to take him to a RANDOM TOWN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE to party.
Needless to say, they end up pick-pocketing him, and in the attempts to get back his money, poor Ed (the kid's name) gets the shit kicked out of him. Ed gets dropped off by a kindly doctor at his sheep ranch (are they called Ranches? Maybe pen is a better term), where he sees a vision of some God-awful sack of meat that apparently is a Sheep baby. The sheep is eventually taken to the Doctor's lab.
That killer sheep thing? Ya you won't see it actually kill anyone until an hour into the movie.
What's done within that hour you might ask?
Now comes the confusing side plot, which is added for LITERALLY NO REASON. A man named Silverdale runs the town, and won't sell mining licenses to a black businessman from the East, who has stopped by..or something along those lines...it was a little hard to figure out what the hell was going on.
Instead of leaving the CLEARLY-prejudiced town however, the businessman, named Christopher Barnstable, decides to stick around for shits and giggles. In an attempts to get him out, and apparently to con money out of the man, the corrupt sheriff makes his dog play dead and says that Barnstable shot and killed his beloved pooch during a shooting contest.
As if the editing alone wasn't bad enough for this movie....the "shooting" scene in question is hilarious. For those of you who don't understand the concept of ballistic trajectory, bullets fired from firearms should (but as they say " 'should' is a funny word", and the director was really counting on that theory) continue on a straight path and eventually drop (but we're talking hundreds of feet in terms of bullet drop).
Barnstables target is a glass bottle set up on a shelf in the middle of town (and trust me, nobody was worrying about firearm safety here), set up about 10 feet away. The dog, is laying to the left of the shelf, probably 5 feet away from Barnstable. Keep in mind that Barnstable was aiming the gun directly at the shelf, not down at the ground or at an awkward angle. From the looks of it, he was using a .45 single action revolver.
This means the bullet would have to LITERALLY.....literally....completely negate the laws of physics and take an immediate 90 degree turn upon leaving the barrel. Not to mention it would also have to drop 25 degrees in order to hit the dog. Naturally however, it's the sheriff's (this guy below) word against Barnstable's.
Guy looks like he gets things done around town...he means business.
In an equally ridiculous scene, which happens to be next, they have a full-blown funeral service for the dog (which isn't dead).
I haven't touched upon the best part of the movie however: Phillip Maldove, the effeminate "muscle" of Silverdale. Unfortunately I couldn't find any pictures of Mr. Maldove, but this guy had an endless wardrobe of turtleneck sweaters, made even more priceless by his wispy 70's-porn handlebar mustache. The guy's fashion alone was worth a laugh throughout the film.
Anyway, Mr. Maldove tries to go behind Silverdale's back and do business directly with Barnstable's boss, the attempted deal being made after some extremely awkward sexual tension at Maldove's...interesting...mansion. Barnstable turns him down however and says he'll tell Silverdale everything. As a result, Maldove knocks Barnstable unconscious and shoots himself in the arm, blaming Barnstable for attempted murder.
Notice I haven't said anything about the killer mutant sheep....because it's not even part of the plot yet.
Anyway, Barnstable is almost lynched by a rogue vigilante group, but instead somehow escapes to the lab where the sheep is....herrrreee we goo...finally getting on topic here.
Needless to say, these vigilantes have tear gas guns, and end up pissing off the sheep, who escapes and in the process kills a guy (yes, guy being singular).
Good Lord..this movie is terrible. I'm losing interest in just writing the synopsis for crying out loud...but we're almost done..hang in there.
Alright. So the sheep escapes and scares some people, the monster itself being hilarious as its just a guy in a deformed sheep costume. The thought of receiving revenue by having some kind of a freak-show for the mutated sheep is much more appealing to Silverdale instead of lynching Barnstable, so they decide to go capture that thing, which they do, in a relatively quick manner.
The ending.
Is terrible.
Don't expect loose ends to be tied up here. Silverdale basically tells the town that he's reopening the mines and letting more tourists into town to look at the sheep, which somehow makes all hell break loose. The crowd starts fighting one another, people start running down the canyon and getting shot by the vigilantes (one of which is wispy mustacheo-Maldove himself....he gets shot by his own vigilante group..yeah I know it doesn't make sense), oh and the people blow up the monster in its cage by hurling it down a small hill.
Uhh...yeah. That's the ending.
The movie plot really has nothing to do with the killer sheep...and the thing only kills one guy, hardly what I'd call a "rampage" in terms of a true beast-horror-flick.
Best part of the movie: Maldove's outfits...they were an absolute riot.
Biggest WTF Moment: This being a quote from the Doctor's assistant, in her attempts to calm down the sheep and get it back to the lab after escaping..."There's no reason to be afraid, I've been watching you since you came from the glory-hole".
Hahaha....WTF. Props to the writers on that one.
How bad is bad?
Rated a whopping 0.5 maggot infested turds out of 5.
--Fin--
